Sunday, February 13, 2011

An Honest Heart

At God's insistence I am going to share my heart with you.  This is not a pretty picture I am about to paint, but I am an honest person and I will not pretend to be something I am not.

I have been angry at God the last day or so.  When I say angry I mean disappointed, frustrated, yell your annoyance kind of angry.  I was angry because he has given Sam a promise of a new heart and I still don't see it.  Don't misinterpret me, I believe God is going to give Sam his new heart, he doesn't lie.  However I am a Mum, and when I see my son going through pain, fear and illness I feel every inch of it alongside him.  If you are a Mum you know what I am talking about.  If your child cuts their finger you get that squeamish feeling down in the pit of your stomach because they are hurting.  So imagine what it is like to see your son being pricked and prodded and injected on a regular basis.  It does something to your emotions.  You start to become annoyed that they should have to endure such treatment when the God of the Heavens has made him a promise of life in abundance.  That annoyance grows into bitterness and that bitterness grows into frustration and anger.
This morning I didn't even feel like going to worship with my church family.  Satan whispers lies like 'You don't want them to see you like this do you?  Where is your strength and faith now?  Stay at home and sort it out with God."  I was hurting and broken and this is when he comes with his lies.  Then the Holy Spirit rose up in me saying "In your weakness his strength is revealed".  We chose to go to church this morning without our happy face and cheery disposition.  When the music started for worship I cried and cried and cried on my knees.  I cried because God reminded me of how he felt when Jesus was crucified on the cross to save us.  How he hurt each time the hammer was raised and the nails were embedded into his flesh, just like Sam getting his cannula.  How his heart ached for His son Jesus, like my heart aches now for my son Sam.  He reminded me that he too feels my pain. 
I wept on my knees because I was overcome by the fact that God loves me even though I am angry at him.   I wept because I felt my faith was faltering in my anger.    God checked my heart and found my faith steadfast and built on the rock of his Word, even though my heart felt crushed and my emotions haywire.

People prayed for me as the music played, they wrapped their arms around me and shared my pain.
And so as I wept and gave my burden over to God, I saw the Lord smile and his peace flooded my heart.  This is why I love my church family.  We are one in Spirit.  We don't come with false pretenses.  We share in each other joys and sorrow and we fight alongside each other for victory. 

I guess in writing this post I wanted you see that I am not anything special. It is God in me who is amazing. I want you to know that I am as human as the next person but I trust in an extraordinary God who may let me stumble but he will not let me fall.
And as for God's promise of a new heart for Sam, it stands firm.  Nothing has changed in God's eyes, except maybe I am now closer to him though baring an honest heart.  One step closer to the faith that will move mountains.


Mary Hawkins said...

My immediate thought was that God also was shedding tears with you, Susan, as only A father can who saw His own son suffer.
I too have a confession. Last Sunday I too really did NOT want to go to church in the morning where my "retired" minister husband was to preach at a small fellowship. I did not even have any huge excuse as you did, just a feeling of weariness, pressure of so much to do, and then only a few hours after the morning needing to go to our own small fellowship in the late afternoon. Ray is a volunteer helper at our children's business so is up 6 am, home only about 15 minutes to get ready for church, so I drive the 35-40 mins so he can relax, pray. I asked the Lord about going and the devotions that morning were about all the things we can worship God for!
So I went and was a really, really special time.
Thank you for your obedient example and honesty, Susan.

Nicole said...

God bless you for sharing your heart here too Mary. I think to often we put on masks to hide how we are feeling. Praise God for your open heart and your willingness to be obedient even when you don't feel like it. That's the great thing about faith, it's not about how we feel, but how we believe and act accordingly. You speak so highly of your husband. I can hear the love in your voice. He is blessed to have you.
I love how the Holy Spirit speaks to all of us right where we are; right in the moment. There is such beauty in that. Thank you for leaving a message.

Nicole :)

Anonymous said...

We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up.
2 Corinthians 4:8

Nicole Watson said...

Yes Anon! Hallelujah. Thank you for your encouragemnt. God bless you :)

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