Surgery Day

This morning Sam fasted from 5.30am, in preparation for him to have the Fontan surgery.

We presented to the Day Unit at the Mater hospital at 8am and prepared for a long wait.  We were unsure as to whether Sam would indeed have surgery today, as they were making a space for him and it depended on many factors including bed space.  Like clockwork we watched each of the pieces fall into place.  Paperwork done, observations done, anesthetists and doctors came to chat. They needed more blood from him, but agreed to do it while he was asleep in surgery.  A volunteer even spent all morning with the kids in the waiting room and played with them to keep them occupied before surgery.

At 11.15 we were taken to the preparation room and did the final checks ready for surgery.

At 11.30 Sam and I were escorted to the theater after he said goodbye to Daddy and Jack.  He wanted them to come too, but they could not.

He was happy to see all of the doctors and even happy to sit in on the bed.  he thought the bubble gum smelling gas mask was funny and played with it, until we had to keep it on.  Then he didn't like it and fought hard to get it off.  In the end we had to lightly restrain his arms and legs while tears ran from the corners of his eyes, while my own heart felt like it fell out and the ground swallowed it. 

I kissed his wet little cheek as he drifted off to dream land, let go of his hand and was escorted back to Don and Jack.

The surgery will take 3-4 hours.  We will then be able to go and see him in ICU where he will be at least the next few days.

Even here in this place we have peace.  Peace in the knowledge that God had this day planned down to the second.  Not one detail escapes his notice.  So even though I feel broken that Sam has to endure such a thing, I have tremendous hope that exceeds and overshadows all fear.  Because when I close my eyes I see things differently.

When I take him into surgery....I close my eyes and see him smiling and playing like never before.

When I kiss his wet little cheek..I close my eyes and see him going to Kindy and school and playing with his friends.

When I see him drift off...I close my eyes and I see him in his own bed while I tuck him in snuggly at home.

Yep, hope is what I have, and in God I will trust to do all of this and more than I can imagine.

Day Five

This morning we had hope in our hearts that today was the day that Sam's blood would regulate and that his INR would be in range, bringing to an end the barrage of blood tests that he has endured in the past week. 

Knowing that he only had to have a finger prick he walked by himself to the procedure room (where he always has his blood tests done) and waited to get the test done.  As he strode down the hallway we passed through a large group of doctors doing their morning rounds and as we passed through the throng he pronounced resolutely,

'No more blood tests for me today, Uh uh uh.  I'm having a finger prick and that's all', shaking his head.

Meanwhile I pray under my breath that all will be well.

After the relatively painless test (in comparsion) the INR cam back at 2.2 and Sam literally danced and cheered all of the way back down the hallway through the throng of doctors proclaiming loudly and with great joy,

'My INR is 2.2.  I'm going home!,' as if to say shove that in your pipe and smoke it fellas.

Which elicited a round of laughter and shock at a 4 year old knowing what an INR even is. 

After removing his final cannula (which caused some distress) and being discharged we departed the hospital and drove to the Sunshine Coast, where we will spend the next few days resting and relaxing.

On the way, we received a call from the Cardiology fellow making sure that Sam was entirely sound and clear of any neurological problems in relation to the stroke he had when he was one.

Shortly after we received a call from Dr Alex Gooi, Sam's cardiologist to tell us that Sam's case had been reviewed along with his catheter results and that Sam's heart was at optimal state for him to have the Fontan surgery, which means he is a candidate.  Next week has been mentioned several times and now we are just waiting for a date.  Sam will stop his warfarin 2-3 days before so we should know when surgery will be early next week at the latest. This time Sam will not be heparanised before surgery will will mean much less distress in regard to blood tests pre-surgery.  We are just so thankful for that.

Don and Jack will drive down this weekend from Longreach so please keep them in your prayers and Mum Watson too as she travels home.  We have been so humbled to see God provide money through loving hearts to help us meet the costs we have for all that this journey entails.  I just stand in amazement at His goodness to us. And it brings tears to my eyes when I read your messages and comments thank you for all of your love.

Catheter down, Fontan Surgery to go. 

Time to forget about hospitals for a few days.

Imagine for a moment...

Imagine for a moment...that your child has a disease that cannot be healed or restored by human hands, yet. 

Imagine for a moment...watching your child a little more carefully than you usually would, being careful to protect them from further harm, because they do not deserve any more pain. But in the same breath forcing yourself to let them live freely and not be inhibited by what they cannot do, instead empowered by what they can do.

Imagine for a moment...giving away any dreams you had for your own career or life.  Putting aside your own ambitions and having your path redirected to a place that you wouldn't wish on any other human being.  The place where you have to watch your child endure that which you would gladly carry yourself in their stead.

Imagine for a moment...having the reality of pondering on whether your child will become a young man or woman. As many of their young friends do not have the opportunity and lose the battle this side of heaven.

Then

Imagine for a moment...that God truly is God and is real beyond your wildest imaginings.

Imagine for a moment...that God loves you and gave you promise for your son.  The promise of a future that is steadfast and true. A promise in complete polar opposite of your worst fears.

Imagine for a moment...that you find that the life that has been mapped out for you, though painful, is more fulfilling and life changing than what you ever could have planned.


The place you have just imagined is where I live. 

Living Hope

HOPE: The assurance that our future is secure, that God is God and come what may, He loves us in a life altering way.

So for the Watson family living in hope looks like this at the moment.

Don is back at work and enjoying meeting some newcomers.  He comes home for lunch every day and we have been making the most of our time together.  Truly I love this man more than I ever have. 

Jack has recommenced school and is settling in well to Year One.  He regularly brings home frogs in his pocket that he rescues from the toilets and drains.  He also now has a Broad Banded Sand Swimmer (Lizard) that he looks after.  Between that and the ant farm, we are constantly on the lookout for moths to feed them.  Most nights at around 11pm Don can be found in his boxer shorts swatting and catching moths on our back deck.

Sam is beginning Kindy tomorrow and will be attending three full days a week.  He met his teacher on Monday and we have been busy preparing all that he needs to take with him. He has been counting down the sleeps until he starts.  He is at the pinnacle of happiness at the moment. Healthwise he is very well. He walks through the shops with me, plays on the playground at Jack's school in the morning and still has a rest at lunch to see him through. 

I have organised a morning tea for Congenital Heat Disease Awareness on the 20th of February and have commenced another Avon campaign before we go away.  I am looking forward to using the time while Sam is at Kindy to organise our home more and organise my heart and head also.

The days here in Longreach have mellowed to not quite reach 40C, and the mornings now have the freshness that has so long been denied. With that reprieve from the stifling heat has come a renewed sense of God's presence, vitality and our love for one another. Surely this was God's plan in postponing Sam's surgery.  I look forward in anticipation for more of His blessings, as we walk this road one day at a time. 

What Does A Miracle Look Like?

Today I witnessed a miracle.  It is not the first and I know it won't be the last.

Today Sam had his heart review.  This involves a general check up, and ECG, an echo and a chat with Sam's cardiologist.  Sam and I drove the 2 hours to Melbourne's Royal Children's Hospital and the GPS took us straight through the centre of town!  Eeeek!  We made it, but this is not the miracle.

Sam has all of his tests and check up and then we waited to see his doctor.  In between we had the opportunity to talk with a few families, watch the meerkats in their enclosure and chase the fish around the giant aquarium.

You may remember last time that Sam had some unwelcome news about the leaking valve in his heart.  Read more here.

On seeing Sam's doctor we also had two young student doctors present, and Sam spent a great deal of time monopolising their attention.  They checked him all over (which he loved), and then we discussed Sam's heart with his doctor.

Dr Pflaumer listened to Sam's chest and few times and then he turned to his students and asked them what they would do if the clinical signs (the sounds from Sam's chest) do not line up with what the echo is showing?  They replied that they had always been taught to go on the clinical signs, but take the echo into account.  They discussed it back and forth.  He then went on to tell them that Sam's chest has the faintest of murmers and this does not reflect what he sees on the echo.  He went on to explain to me that taking both into account he believes that there may be just be a bit more turbulence in the area, but it is not a true reflection of the regurgitation of his valve.  I asked:

Does that mean that the leaking is no worse?

No it is not worse, in fact I don't think it is that bad at all.  But we definitely do not need to do anything at this stage.  His oxygen saturations are still in the early 80's, he is well and growing.  I mean look at him. 

He continues to look for a moment.

So I guess we will see you again in another 6 months and talk about doing a catheter then.

Ok then.  That sounds great to me.  (My insides waiting to burst with excitement)

Sam and I walked out with giant grins on our faces, bubbling with laughter.

What does a miracle look like?  It is seeing a doctors face in wonder, pondering the results of tests that just don't line up.  It is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the leaky valve was subdued to allow no harm to Sam and his growth.  It is knowing that the next 6 months are not going to be spent in and out of hospital, but doing all of the fun things that three year old boys do. 

Will you praise God with me?!  Will you thank him for Sam's healing and mercy?  You may ask why he doesn't heal his heart completely.  I don't have an answer for you.  You will have to ask God yourself.  I am content in the knowledge that he loves Sam and hears my prayers.  That he holds us all and let's no harm come to us outside of his plan.  And in the meantime we will continue to walk this path of life in abundance that God has given us. 

Fragility and Fierce Determination

I am continually reminded about the fragility of our lives here on earth.

This past week I have learned of two families who have lost loved ones, one a little baby, another a Dad.  At different stages in life, but each so precious.  This happens on a weekly basis.  I watch as families hearts break and re-break as they realise their separation from those to whom they will forever love.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to search and to pray for those who need encouragement, prayer and love.  Because it hurts to watch others suffer, it hurts to comfort others when there are no words that can possibly be their balm.  That doesn't mean that we shouldn't offer our words.  For I have learned in our own hardship that silence is sometimes the worst sound in the world.

I go through feelings of empathy, and frustration as I reach out.  I experience guilt, for my own son lives, when others have had to let theirs go...for a season. 

However I know why I persist..

Each of these things drives me to  pray, to call out to God to make a difference in the lives of those who are in anguish. To make something beautiful out of something horrific, to draw fragrance from a flower that is crushed and bruised.

And I see miracles...I see medical breakthroughs, illnesses healed, people transformed, not by my hand but by the hand of God.  And that desire to see breakthrough drives me onward, even though it hurt,s to make sure that hope remains alight. To search for that flicker of light in situations that seem so dark.

I may be a Mum at home, but I can reach all manner of people through blogging, emailing, Facebook and other communications.  I can reach out to the Mums at school, and the people I meet at the shops and just sit and listen to them, smile and offer an encouraging word.

It has been four years now and my life has been changed forever.  I can no longer look at the world the same way after what we live with Sam.  There is more to this life than what we can see.  It is real and tangible and is tightly entwined with our feelings, thoughts and actions.  We are more than flesh and blood.  And I have to believe that as I reach out to others in love, changes are made not only in the countenance of a person but also in their eternal spirit. 

As we head to Sam's next heart appointment on Tuesday, I wonder about this next part of our journey.  This past four years has been a steep learning curve and I wonder what God holds in store for us next. I wonder if you will claim his promise with us this week:

Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will testify to the nations of his healing.

For I am a fiercely determined woman, who has a fiercely determined son, and we serve a fiercely determined God.

The Rip Tide

The last month it seems we have been caught in a tide that has dragged us out to sea.  We seem to be floundering in the water, our arms weary from the constant treading. 

Don has failed his flight exam for his commercial pilot's license for the second time today.  I just want to cry really.  For him, for myself, for our weariness and lack of hope.  There seems to have settled upon me a sense of despondency, enlarged by the fact that we are far from home and and the comfort of familiar family and friends.  I am tired of the fight, and Don must be far beyond that.  I have watched him labour and toil for the last 7 months with little rest, all the while looking for the silver lining.  He is exerting his best and yet, it is thrown back in his face continually that it is not good enough.  And yet he remains, plodding along, while I struggle at home to wrestle with God and his appointment to this calling, when there seems to be very little breakthrough.  Does God see how we struggle?  Yes, He most certainly does and be bears it with us.  Does He see that I can't make our finances stretch any further?  Yes, He certainly does and He supplies.  Does He still want us here?  Yes, He certainly does and reminds us again and again.

I struggle to write the new book about God's promises, because we battle to live in their truth each day, and are weary for a break from the constant onslaught.  Who am I, I wonder to pretend to tell others to live in God's promises if I am of so little faith?  Oh God, where is my faith! It is like it has been robbed from me while I have slept.  And yet, still I stand.  I stand because He gives me strength, I can own no portion of it.  Please pray for us and help us fight in the spirit.  Our enemy looms large but we know who is victorious. 

Don is on his way home after his defeat today.  May God give us both the strength to keep going. 

So again, I raise my head and look to the battle front, raise my shield, and thrust my sword high. 'CHARGE'

Bubbling New Beginnings

This week is one of new beginnings for us.

Jack begins school this week for the first time.

Don will be a commercial pilot by the end of the week, once he passes his practical exams.  He begins study at MST (Ministry training) on February 14th.

Sam and I will have time together, as we have never had before.  He will also start Kinder for  a half day next week.

And I...

and I...

and I...

it makes me wonder what I actually did before I had children.  Oh, don't worry I have plenty to do. 

I will have ample time to continue with the writing of my new book.

I look forward to visiting and spending time with more of the families we have met here,

and anything else that God asks me to do.

I am not in a hurry to fill up my spare moments, I am sure God already has plans that I don't know of as yet.  God's diary is often very different to mine-thankfully.

Last year was not an easy one for us.  Though we lived in the place of God's blessing, there was much opposition to what we were doing. There were many times that we questioned God and each other, about our calling to MAF, the work I was doing with Sam's Heart, financial decisions, and the boys schooling.  I have made a choice to leave the past behind us and now I look forward to new things, new blessing, and new things for God. 

Sometimes when you walk with God, He brings you through times of testing, times of trial, times of learning obedience.  Let me explain, this year He asked:

Will you follow me and serve with MAF?

Will you sell your home and use ALL of the money to fund it?

Will you move away from your new friends and family to do it?

Will you trust me to provide for you?

Will you trust me with Sam, knowing that I will work out all of the details?

Will you keep looking to me when the circumstance for success seem doubtful and you even fail?

Will you speak and not be silent about my faithfulness?

Will you trust me to make a way, when there seems to be now way?

Will you trust me in your weakness, to show my power and strength?

We have said yes, to all of this this past year and much more.  And sometimes it looked like we were failing.

We have learned that when it looks like you are failing on the outside, it is time to dig your heels in and press forward. 

DO NOT STOP!

KEEP YOUR EYES ON GOD AND KEEP MOVING ON.

When God pours out his blessing, do not bottle up what you have inside of you, in the fear that you may run empty.  As you receive, give it away to whoever you meet, knowing that God will sustain and fill your cup to overflowing.

Keep trusting, keep believing, keep hoping, loving and having faith.  God will do the rest.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” (John 4:13-14)

Can you hear me bubbling?  You can't buy this living water, but it is yours for the taking... if you know Jesus.

Mary and Me

I have read a book this week that has challenged me and encouraged me in so many ways.  The book is 5 novellas in the one book, all about different women of the bible.  The one that greatly spoke to me was about Mary, the mother of Jesus. 

Mary was given a great honour, but with that great honour came a life of unimaginable faith.  Mary was given a great promise from God.

“Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus.  He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David.  And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!”(Luke 1:29-33)

Mary was given a  choice, to agree to God's great plan or to remain in unbelief.

I too was given a great honour by God in bearing my children.  No, they are not Jesus, but I will train them up in His way.  I too was given a choice.  Do I choose life for Sam or do I choose not to believe, and go my own way. I too was asked to believe God's promise for Sam

'Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will tell the nations of my healing power.'

Mary remained faithful to God even when it meant she would be rejected. Mary was scorned by those she loved, and the community around her, even some who were close to her for believing in God's promise to her.  They did not believe that she had been visited by an angel and carried the Son of God.

I too was condemned by those that thought Sam's life would count as naught.  That it would have been more merciful and less painful to let him die.

During her pregnancy and after Jesus birth Mary was miraculously protected by God and covered by His favour, because she lived in faith and blessing.

I too have seen and tasted of God's saving power and desire to live in the shadow of the Almighty.  There is no life outside of Him.

Mary watched in awe as Jesus taught those around Him about the Kingdom of God, from a young age.

I too marvel at how much God speaks to and reveals to my children.

Mary had to let her son go and do His Father's work. 

We too are called to surrender our children to God and He will guide all of their ways. 

Mary had to endure watching those around her mock and ridicule Jesus for His life and His ways.  She too was mocked and cast aside for her unwavering faith in God's promises.

I too have watched as friends and family have pulled away, as they try to comprehend with their minds the truth of God's promises.  God's promises are not discerned with the mind, they are understood by the heart. I know the words which they speak, but choose to believe God's promise for Sam.

Mary looked on as Jesus suffered and was killed, still not understanding the magnitude of God's unfolding plan.

I too must trust that despite Sam's surgeries and procedures that God's plan is perfect and that all things work together for the good of those that love Him.

Mary grieved for the pain she saw her Son endure, but also for the apparent dissolution of God's promise to her, as she witnessed Jesus die.

I too have grieved that the time of God's promise has passed.  My heart breaks, and then I am reminded that He works outside of time.

Mary's entire being rejoiced when she saw God's promise fulfilled and Jesus rose to save all men. She saw the fruit of God's plan and she praised God for His faithfulness.  There is no way she could have known that 2000 years on that he would still be drawing hearts to himself, giving eternal life to all who seek Him. 

I too will see the fruit of God's promises in our lives, not only for Sam but for all of our family.  God is faithful, I say this with all assurance. 

Yes when I get to meet Mary face to face and our eyes meet, I will smile with her and rejoice with her as we celebrate what God has done, from the heart of one blessed mother to another.

The book that I have recently read is called A Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers

Greater Love

As this year comes to a close I can truly say that my plans have not changed, as they are not mine but Gods.  I have set my goal as one not achievable this side of heaven, but one I will reach for none the less.  And so I am sure that my New Year's resolve will not change from one year to the next but instead grow in it's intensity, much like a consuming fire that cannot be quenched. 

I determine to continue pursuing God.

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.(John 13:34)

I have tasted the fruits of this life and would not choose to live in any other fashion, but the best that He has for me.

When I call out to God and follow Him daily with all of my heart, my soul, and my mind, then he breathes His love into me, to a point where I am overcome with the sweetness of the perfume.  And then when I am called to love my neighbor, it is effortless, as the perfume of heaven is that which envelopes my friends, family and neighbors, even the stranger on the street.  If I have been in the presence of the King, I reflect his radiance and this is what people will see and desire.  To love the unlovely becomes simple as I see them through God's eyes. 

'There is something different about that one', they might say.  'I can't put my finger on it, but she has something I want.' 

It is my desire that others might see Jesus in me, and taste of heaven upon the earth.  For I in myself am nothing.  To strive in my own strength will leave me worn and disillusioned.  Instead I choose to focus all of my effort on God who holds my days, and let Him live in me, that we may see many more faces for all eternity.

Yes, this year I continue one step at a time onward and upward reaching out for greater love, that the small world I live in may be given new life.

Life In Abundance

God has given us a promise for Sam and his life. The first part of that promise is John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.   

His words to us were 'Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will tell the nations about my healing power.'

In the last few days I have been prompted to study these words more closely and God has been speaking to me about what it means to have life in abundance.  The rich vibrancy of the original Greek language brings a whole new understanding of the words, and clarifies God's promise to us. 

I came that they may have life (egw hlqon ina zwhn ecwsin).

Imagine a thread that is woven throughout the fabric of time,  one that has no beginning and no end.  The thread has always been and always will be.  For a time we were/are separated from the thread of life because we have changed colour and have chosen to move in a different direction.  Sadly our thread will end while the thread of life continues on.  Then by grace alone we are invited back to the the thread of life, just when our end is in sight.  We are invited to be grafted back into the thread of life, to continue to weave a picture that is wrought by the hand of the Creator himself.

'ecwsin' is a present and active word, speaking of the life that Jesus gives.  It is not that Jesus came to give life for a season, He came to bring life that is eternal and perpetual, it will never end.  This passage not only brought hope to those whom heard the words with their own ears, but to every other soul who will accept the words and receive them.  How truly marvelous is the truth that is not bound by time.

And may have it abundantly (kai perisson ecwsin).
Water is a life giver.  I love to bask in the water and feel it swirl and refresh my body and soul.  I wonder if you have ever tried to hold water in your hands.  To bring your hands up through the water and watch as it slips through your fingers.  Our hands cannot possible contain all of the water that surrounds us. 

This is the picture God gives me of the word 'persisson', which means to have surplus and overflow.  The word that follows is 'ecwsin' which  reminds us again that the overflow is continual and will never end.

Life that God pours out into us cannot be contained in our hands but is held in our spirits and overflows to impact and touch the people around us.  God has told us that he has hidden eternity in the Human heart.
...He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end (Ecc 3:11).  This eternity is found in knowing Jesus and the more we know Him, the more abundant that life is. 

I watch my son Sam, and I see God's word fulfilled in his life and ours as well. It is my hearts desire that we would continue to live in the promise that God has given us. 

God spoke to me of this abundance of life when Sam was in ICU with his chest still open, I could clearly see his heart beat.  He reminded me that he chose to use the Doctors hands to work on his heart, but it was his spark of life that sustained Sam's heart and makes it beat.  It is his breath of life that ensures that Sam's days will go on, and it is His son Jesus that guarantees that our lives are eternal and full of abundance.

God continues to speak to me almost daily of his abundance.  To be overflowing with life we must spend time dwelling with the Life Giver.  There is no place that I would rather be. 

Reference: http://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/robertsons-word-pictures/john/john-10-10.html

Lost and Found

The last few weeks have been challenging for us.  I have gone very quiet on the blog and also on Facebook and the like.  Generally this means we are doing some soul searching. In the last weeks we have had much doubt flung in our faces in regard to our application to MAF, Sam's heart, my writing, and Don's study.  We must continue to apply to serve with MAF, knowing that Sam may need to endure more surgery in the next 12 months.   No stone has been left unturned.  It has been turbulent and one of those times where there is no better place than flat on your face in front of God's throne.  So if I have been absent of late, this is where I have been.  These times are a battle plain and true.  We emerge from them feeling worn, fatigued and battered by the enemies lies.  And yet when we lift our eyes to the hills we can see we have stood our ground and that the liars have been forced back.  The only place to win the battle of the spirit is in the spirit. 

You might think I have lost the plot, but in fact this is very real for us.  The warfare of which I speak is not some strange and wacky thing at which to lift your brow.  People struggle to understand because they look with their human eyes and not their spiritual ones. And once again we have had to lay everything at God's feet.  Even our application to MAF is held loosely, in the event God redirects our path.  We know his call is true without doubt, what he decides to do with us after our obedience is his decision. 

And yet in the midst of the turbulence there is great renewal and new found hope.  From the plundered battlefield we glean treasures of unearthly value.  We have received a new revelation of God's word, new promises for a new season.   I now value Sam's relationship with God more than the healing of his heart.  I now can go to my God with unmasked love, knowing full well that he holds our future in his hands.  Yesterday As Don pushed Sam higher and higher on the swing, he called,

'It's Desus, I see Desus!  He's so big!'



'Wow, what's he doing?'

'He's opening the window. He's opening the window so we can see.  Look! Can you see?'

Sam opens his arms wide. He continues to beam at the sky, talking to Jesus. 

I don't have to worry about my sons because Jesus has it covered.  I choose not to worry about the next twelve months, because God's promises are unmovable.

I want to encourage you today.  If you are in a situation that seems you are in a fog, and you cannot see the forest through the trees, it may not be that you are lost and without direction.  Perhaps you are just where you need to be, flat on your face in front of God's throne.  Where you feel lost, is the place you are found. Trusting God when you cannot see the end of the road is the very essence of faith.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1)
 

Catching Your Heart

Today I had a conversation with Sam that I need to share.  Something that brought a grin to my lips and new curiosity to my spirit.  I was sitting at the computer, we had all just finished having lunch.

I sad Mum, I wanted to show Jesus my heart.  I lost my heart.

What do you mean darlin?  Jesus is looking after your heart.


No, I lost it, I really wanted to show Him.  Now it's gone.

Where has it gone?


It was up on my head, but I couldn't reach it.  I couldn't catch it and now it is gone.  I wanted to catch it and put it in my tummy, to show Jesus.

Absolute silence from me.


Suddenly he sees it, the heart, again.

I just watch him, as he jumps around trying to catch the heart.

He catches it on the floor, and then lifts up his shirt and puts the heart in his chest.

There, I got it.

He walks  away smiling to play with his brother.

Ok, so I am the first to admit that Sam has a very active imagination.  But I also know this is way outside of the realm of 'normal for him'. Did he receive some sort of visual promise from God, I can  believe that, because he speaks to me this way also. 

What a strange and beautiful walk that God has called us to, that my son can dance around the house catching his own heart.  That God talks to my children in ways that I am still to understand.  I am so honoured to be a mother, so honoured to be able to love these little boys

A Question Worth Asking

Yesterday I was checking the Sam's Heart website, and as I did I listened to the interview I had done with 89.9Light Fm.  Sam was having morning tea at a small table next to me as I worked and listened.  In the beginning of the interview I am asked by the radio broadcator what the options were for Sam's treatment after diagnosis of his heart condition.  I proceed to give the three options that were given to us, termination, palliative care and surgery.  After the interview had finished Sam stood up and walked over to me and put his hand on my leg.

'They wanted to die me. They wanted to die me.  I don't want to die Mum.'

(Insert wanting to cry here, instead I suck it up)

'Yes, they did. But we fought for you and God has saved you.  (I lift his shirt and show him his scar). You had these operations instead, and the doctors helped save you. That's why you have this on your chest'

He nods his head, and looks at me.

'I love you Mummy, I'm alive.'

'I love you to little mate.  And God loves you more.  He has big plans for you.'

He goes back to watching ABC Kids, quietly playing with the scar on his chest.

I sit there in silence.  A million thoughts race through my head but one was most clear. 

I would love to have put a professional medical practitioner in my place just now, so that my son can lay a hand on their leg and tell them.

You wanted to die me.

I wonder if it would make a difference to the need for this abhorrent 'choice' in pregnancy.  I wonder if those poor parents that lost their babies this week would have gone along with the advice they were given, if they could spend a day with my son, and take a few steps in our shoes.  I don't pretend to know the circumstance surrounding the loss of two little lives this week.  I pray for their everyone involved, that they would receive mercy from God, and that they would know his forgiveness.  Read the story here.

What I do know is that it makes me even more passionate to reach who ever I can and tell them that there is always hope, God keeps his promises, and every life is precious no matter how long it is lived.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.(1 Cor 13:7)

Time To Take A Dip

I have tasted life without God.  It is like sitting in a  rock paddling pool and enjoying the cool of the water, but there is no room to be free and swim. It is not deep enough to put your head under the water and feel the freshness on your face.  But it is all you know, and you are comfortable in your little pool, all the while wondering if there is anything better.  You hear rumours of others saying that they have splashed in rivers and some crazy religious nuts even telling you that they have plunged and basked in oceans.  But life is too busy, to get carried away with rumours and fairy tales.  And then one day you become frustrated with your pool, the thoughts of what others have said might be true, inspire you to look over the rock wall that has blocked your view... and your breath is taken away, as you behold the endless sea before your eyes.  For so long, it had been blocked from your view by the wall separating you.  And now you know the truth, and you can't go back to the pool.  You know the ocean is real and is within your reach.  And although it is daunting, you edge your way out to the sandy breakers and wade out into the depths.  As you dive beneath the emerald green waters, you wonder why you spent so many years in the paddling pool when you could have been basking in the open sea.  You have been transformed and you know your life will never be the same again. As you emerge from under the surface and draw breath, it is like you have never truly breathed before.  You have become a new creation, you have a new home and a new outlook on life.

Want to come and swim in the depths of the ocean with me?

I know a God...

who paints the sky with the sweep of his hand and the breath of his mouth, to delight me and take my breath away.

I know a God...

who has felt every emotion that I have ever had to endure and comforts me in the very depths of my spirit.

I know a God...

who never leaves me, and laughs and cries with me in every season. He truly has the most profound sense of humour.

I know a God...

who fights for me every inch of the way. He goes before me each day and clears the path by the Word of his mouth.

I know a God..

who sees me when I raise my voice at my children and when I fail to help others in need. And he still loves me anyway.

I know a God..

who disciplines me when I am out of line, and does it with such authority and love, that I am left undone by his grace.

I know a God..

who takes my lack of anything and turns into into a feast for the glory of His Kingdom.

I know a God...

who strokes my face while I sleep and speaks to me in my dreams. He shares his heart with me like the closest of lovers.

I know a God..

who is not afraid of my emotions and hears both my praise and prayer with a compassionate heart. His grace and mercy never end.

I know a God...

who is transforming me day by day to live and dance in a Kingdom of light. A Kingdom where there is no sickness, disease or death and where He will reign forever. 

Sam's Heart Review - We need your prayers

We approach the hospital, we see the familiar corridors, the smell comes flooding in and I suddenly detest McDonalds...


What are we doing here Lord?  Why have you brought us back to this place?

We attend the clinic for Sam's Heart check...inwardly we cringe but keep bright and cheery, keeping Sam excited to meet his new doctor.

 I feel sick but I smile, because I have just seen the faces of so many parents who are broken and weary, wafting in and out of the Heart ward with the 'hospital look' that says, 'I am existing, but I am a shell.'

As we sit and wait in the waiting room, a teenage girl sits across from us, cannula still in her arm, she has tears sliding down her face and hangs her head low, she is broken.  Can anyone see her?

Where are you Lord?  She needs you?  

We go and Sam has his ECG and Echo. He is so brave and climbs up onto the bed by himself, he even helps remove the stickers.  I encourage him to lay still so they can take a good reading.

I'm holding on to you Lord.

We wait for another half an hour to see his new doctor.  We greet and Sam is happy to meet 'Dr Foormer' (Dr Andreas Pflaumer).  He tells us that Sam is doing fine, that all is well. Then, that the leak in his tricuspid valve has increased and that if it has not changed over the next 6 months then intervention may be needed.  That they want to start talking about the Catheter and the Fontan, because we are talking about going North in the next few years. Through the doctors eyes this makes sense, I can see his reasoning.  But I am not a doctor, and I am not reasonable about anything that means that my son must endure more pain.

What!  Where are you Jesus?  Is this your idea of a miracle?  Do I have to see him endure more pain?  Do We have to endure more pain?  I know you can take all of this way by just a word from your lips.  So where are your words?  Surely this is not your plan for us. 

We walk back to the car in silence, buying coffee from nasty McDonalds to get home.

As we drive home, the ache in my throat intensifies...

I can't do this anymore, I am weary from the fight God, not just weary, I have had enough.  I don't want to hold onto the hem of your garment anymore, it hurts too much.  You know I don't have the strength to endure this again. My spirit is crushed by the thoughts engulfing me, and cannot be made right by human hands.

I see a picture of a hand coming out of the heavens dangling a white hankie, the miracle we need, and me jumping like crazy to reach it, but it is just out of reach. I think I jumped most of the way home in the car.  The ache moved from my throat to my heart, as I look at Sam asleep in his car seat, worn out from the big morning. 


I am sorry Lord, I can't do this anymore.  I am meant to go on TV tomorrow and talk about the God of miracles, and I am not feeling that right now.  I am feeling angry, and like I am about to suffocate.

When we arrive home I slept for two hours.  I had nothing left.

When I awake and as I write He speaks:

Remain in me, you have tasted of my goodness and you know I will no let you go.  Remember the new promise that I have given you.  Claim it today and watch the new day come.  You may broken now, but it will not last for ever:

Restore our fortunes. Lord

as the streams flow in the desert.

Those who plant in tears

will harvest with shouts of joy.

They weep as they go to plant their seed,

But they sing as they return with the harvest.

(Psalm 126:4-6)

So this is where we are, right now at 4pm in the afternoon.  Pray that God can heal my ache, so that I may go and tell the world how great He is.  For He is above all things, even when I don't FEEL like it.

As I write this I have a voice whispering to me that 'the result was favourable, that I have no right to complain, and that there are many others out there that are far worse off than what we are'.  I would like to say that each of us is on our own journey, and despite the fact that we are all in different places, does not diminish the fact that the battle is any less real, or hurtful or significant.  God bless you for praying for us when we really need it.

Max's Place Needs Help

When we were in Melbourne to have Sam and through the surgeries that followed, there was a special place that we called home. It was called Max's Place.  It was our home for 5 months, while we were going through one of the toughest times in our life.  And now the owners of those units need our help.

'In memory of their precious Heart Angel Max Round, the Round family sold their family home in Adelaide to help other families dealing with the devastating impact of Congenital Heart Disease.  They purchased Max's place, 3 units directly across the road from the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne where many families must come for life saving surgery, often for up to 6 months.

Max's place provides a home away from home for heart families which is safe, private and at no cost.  Having somewhere to call home during these difficult times and not having to worry about accommodation costs helps support families in a practical way which is greatly appreciated by all who are lucky enough to get into Max's place.

These units require renovations and funds are desperately needed, will you help!  Please click on the fundraising link and sponsor Terri Hanlon's marathon run for heart families. http://www.everydayhero.com.au/terrihanlons

I have been after a way to support Max's Place now for the longest time. These little havens have been home to countless families and I delight in being able to help them in this way.  When we left Melbourne we had very little money left and we gave the Round's the last that we had as a token of saying thank you. 

When we were at Max's Place the room we were in was water damaged, due to a unit above us setting off the sprinkler system and flooding their unit.  We managed to clean it up, but their was still damage that needed repair.  We spent our first Christmas with Sam in Max Place, and it will always hold a very dear place in our hearts.  And the people who look after these units are God's hands and feet upon the earth, helping families in some of their darkest days.

If you are able, I would ask that you consider popping over to the everyday hero website and sponsor Terri on her run, a few dollars will go a long way to providing hope to families like ours.

http://www.everydayhero.com.au/terrihanlons

PS.  I am not in the habit of asking for donations from anyone, but this is very near and dear to my heart.  Thanks for listening friends.
 

Watching Sam

I watch him play,
and I delight in seeing him create games and characters each having their own voice.


I watch him eat,
carefully with small mouthfuls, never enough to make a chubby tummy,


I watch him share,
laughing infectiously with his big brother, a secret game.


I watch him swim,
in the bath like a crocodile, full of excitement.


I watch him talk,
and share his ideas and plans with the world.

I watch him pray, 

every night  for God to fix his Mum, when he knows his own heart is broken.


I watch him accept,
his medicine every evening, wondering how it will affect his growing body.


I watch him test,
his own blood, with apprehension and then courage.


I watch him run,
with exuberance, and then get puffed and flop down.


I watch him do all of these things,
and then I look to God, because He is watching too.


I watch Him smile,
because He has the plan for our lives in His hands, and it delights Him.


I watch Him laugh,
as we overcome each hurdle, by he power of His name.


I watch Him rejoice,
As we walk this path in victory, because He knows we have won.

In all honesty there are some days that I even forget Sam has a heart condition.  There are some days that I am so oblivious, that I have forgotten his medication.  What a  comfort it is to know God's peace each and every step of the way.

(Yes, Jack is missing his front teeth, and he is trying to be funny with his smile in this photo)

Praying With Others

We live a blessed life.  We know that our path is not an easy one, but we know many who walk a far steeper incline.  We have come to know many families who have problems much greater than our own.  Problems that would threaten to consume them, except for the hope I see in their eyes.  Early in our journey with Sam, God spoke to me about walking with others in their hardships, and holding their hand, not carrying the load they bear.  You see we are each given a cross to carry.  If you know Jesus, the cross you bear will never overcome you because he promises that 'his burden is light', and 'he will never give you more than you can bear'.
Many times I have caught myself sliding toward a deadly drop, because I am holding onto the burdens of another.  All of us have been touched by brokenness and loss in some form or another, during these times we must carry our friends to Jesus, and hand their burdens to him.

It is for this reason that I made a choice some time ago to no longer pray for people...

instead I promise that I will pray with them.

For hope to grow into faith, words must be spoken to God.  Words of honesty  from the heart of the hurting, to the heart of God.  One cannot live on the faith of a friend, we must have our own encounter with God, if our faith is to grow and flourish. 

At the home where we now live, the front lawn is awash with a flood of tiny white daisies.  I watch them, how they begin the day closed, and then as the full sun bathes them, they lift and open their happy faces toward the light. 

When we lift our faces to God and pray, his light will overcome us, and even from a place of darkness, we will know his comfort, and presence.  

I long to see the faces of others shine like these daisies, raising their heads and dancing in the light.  

And so I will pray with you, and wait for God to do the rest.

My Hero

My boys love their Dad.  On our way to pick up Don yesterday afternoon, we were excited and talked about how we were going to collect my husband, and their Daddy. Jack piped up with, 'He's not my just Daddy Mum, he's my best friend.  He adores his Dad, and desires to grow just like him.  I remember doing the same thing with my Dad and Mum.

I am blessed to learn from my children.  Our children know how to mirror behaviour, and change their character to what they believe is the behavior of their hero or role model.  The photo above is a classic example.  It is Jack's way of drawing close to his Dad.  It is his way of saying,

'I'm watching you, and I am becoming like you. See me Dad.  Do you see me?'

Oh, how we as Christians need to be more like that!

We need to draw close to God by learning from Him, watching Him, experiencing Him every day of our lives.  We need to change our behaviour to reflect His, and we need to look adoringly at him and say, 

'I'm watching you, and I am becoming like you. See me Dad.  Do you see me?'

It is only by God's grace, and Holy Spirit's work in our hearts, that we can be changed.  I don't know about you, but I want to copy my heavenly Dad.  I want to be changed day by day to reflect Him, so that when I get to see Him face to face, He can look at me and see His likeness.

God is wonderful and glorious.  I pray that his Spirit will make you become strong followers and that Christ will live in your hearts because of your faith... (Ephesians 3:16-17)