Monday, February 6, 2012

Struggling

I wonder if I can just share my heart with you today.



I have noticed a significant change in Sam's energy levels in the last few days.  He is not sick.  He just has very little energy.  He slept for 2 1/2 hours today while Jack was at school, when he normally doesn't have a nap at all.  When I went to wake him up (yes I had to wake him, or he would have kept sleeping), he told me that he was still tired.  I have noticed he is more breathless than normal and he has dark circles under his eyes.  Just in the last two days his eating has also decreased noticeably, he has gone back to preferring to just drink and eat now and then.  He is hurting himself and is more clumsy because of his seeming lack of energy.  When he plays he often lays down and plays lego or lolls around on the floor. 

How are you feeling buddy?

Just tired, so tired.'

Do you want something to eat?

No, but yes, not really. My head feels tired.

How does your heart feel?

Puffed.

I know the doctors told me that the tricuspid valve in his heart is leaking more than normal.  Now I am concerned that it may have got worse and that he may need surgery more quickly.  I have been watching and praying for the last 24 hours, but I need your help. 

I am sad.  I want to cry because when you're three, you are meant to have boundless energy.  Instead I have to drag, push, or carry Sam to make the distance across the road. I know he is to go to Kinder soon, and I am worried about sending him.

Sam has such grace in his limited mobility.  When he labours, he just asks for help. 

'I puffed, can you carry me?'

Then I pick him and and I am reminded that he is still not putting on weight.  That his slight little frame is no burden to me.  For a split second I am thankful and then I reprimand myself for even thinking it.

And so I am watching, praying, hoping and waiting. 

Watching him slow, and struggle.

Praying for a miracle.

Hoping that God will answer my prayers.

Waiting to see the miracle he needs.


Oh God,

You are mighty to save.  I know you are with me every second of the day, I feel your presence like the comfort of a warm fire. And yet my heart is breaking, because my son's heart is broken.  You have given me a promise for him and I cling to it Lord.  I cling to You and your Word because I know it is true.  Heal him Lord, restore the valves, the chambers, the arteries and vessels Lord.  Create in Sam a new heart, one that comes from your hand. Only you can see inside of his chest Father.  I can do nothing, and you can do all things.  Let him wake in the morning and be full of renewed energy.  Let him be whole and healthy and let him run like never before.

And yet I say not my will...but yours be done, because I love you more than any other. 

You have held us and never let us down.  May your name be celebrated even now, in this place of uncertainty. 

All my love
Nicole

16 comments:

Narelle Nettelbeck said...

Praying for Sam (and you guys).
xox

Mez said...

Oh Nicole,
I know those days so well and can so so understand your struggle, concern, worry and all those other feelings - Anna used to say "uppies ( short for up please!) I am praying for you and Sam and your family. You know that He hears and understands - my prayer is that He will continue to give you all strength for each day - and that you may know the Everlasting Arms are holding you tool
Love and prayers
Merryl

Rose Dee said...

Feeling your anguish, Nicole and sending thoughts, love and prayer.

Nina said...

*Hugs* Nicole, I can only imagine what you must be feeling, and Sam - praying with you, for a miracle. xx

Jo Wanmer said...

Nicole, may our Lord give you strength in your body and your spirit. Jesus spoke healing. 'Stretch out your hand', 'take up your bed', 'Wash in the pool', 'Lazarus come out!'.
You have the word of God. You have the authority of God. Speak healing into that heart. Speak it day after day. I will join you in declaring total healing for Sam, as many others are already.
God is doing a continuing work in your lives. It is awesome to see His hand at work.
Love Jo

Paula Vince said...

And I will too. A verse from Isaiah came spontaneously to me as I read this post. "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength... they shall rise up on wings of eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint." We're all standing in faith with you and Sam. That is a promise you're entitled to grasp. xxx

mamamia said...

I know how he feels and I feel for you as it's so hard to watch our kids struggle, specially when it's just to breathe!
Praying for you all at this difficult time.

Nicole Watson said...

I realy treasure your prayers Narelle. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Hugs Merryl,

You are such an inspiration to me. You have lived our reality for so many years. I rejoice that you are praying with us. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Thank you for praying Rose. We feel such peace thanks to God's people's prayers. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Hugs back Nina. May God hear all our prayers and be merciful. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Thank you for your words of strength Jo. Though the battle is long and we are weary, He will renew our strength. We wait in anticiaption to see God's plan manifest in Sam's life, though the Mum in me cries out for mercy. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Thank you I am claiming that promise today. Bless you for bringing this promise in this time. xx

Nicole Watson said...

Hugs mamamia. I am sorry you too have to endure such trials. As you pray for me, I too will pray for you. God hears every whisper of our heart.xx

The Queen of Brussels Sprouts said...

Praying...

As for Kinder, it is TOALLY normal to hold little boys out an extra year. Maybe spend the year homeschooling? He will still be learning, but not physically taxing his precious body. I don't know the laws of your country, but you could definitely make a case medically for home tutoring even.

Nicole Watson said...

Hi QOBS,

Thank you for praying for us. Kinder is just one day a week(2 and a half hours, for Sam. And only because he really wants to. it is more like an outing for him. I will see how it goes for the first term. Thank you for your care. x

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