Hear Me Roar (again-I'm sure I've used that title before)

We all have these weeks.  The ones where everything goes pear-shaped and you see to see your life through a microscope as some small organism.
So we have all just come through a nasty bout of gastro, following Sam's debut week at Kindy.  Not the best of starts, but hey if you're going to lose weight it's a sure fire way to manage it.  Unfortunately Sam's weight loss was not needed and he will need to spend at least the next two weeks eating packets of Tim Tams to reacquire that which was lost. Don managed to escape unscathed, however permanently etched in his mind will be the ever resplendent vision of me in all my sick glory.

And because I have been tired and sick and trying to still be Mum and wife to some degree, I have been a little emotional.

One of Sam's little heart friends Kobe had his Fontan operation last week.  the same operation that Sam will need in a few months.  I have been watching their updates, praying for them, crying with them and rejoicing in small mercies.  When I see the photos of Kobe with the big scar down the front of his chest the drains that hang from his midsection, the pain in his eyes, my own heart breaks.  For when I look at him I see Sam and when I hear his family's pain, I feel it too.

'Don't look at it! Don't watch his updates', some may say.

I cannot do what you ask.

You see I cannot just leave Congenital Heart Disease at work and then come home.  We live with it day in and day out.  We see it take Sam's fellow warriors home far earlier than should ever be.

'Have faith, everything will be OK' I also hear from others.

I tell you, I have faith.  

My faith is bigger than locking myself up so that it doesn't hurt.  My faith is raw and in your face.  It makes me cry and feel and love and roar when I'm angry.

Roooooooooaaaaaaar!

Did you hear me?! I hate CHD and what it does to our kids to our families and our friends! But I refuse to believe that our suffering is for nothing and even these broken, hurtful shards of our life will be made to be something beautiful, given to God, given time.

God did not make me meek, nor did he make Sam that way.  God gave Sam a protective and strong big brother in Jack, and a Dad who is tall and strong in heart, that can hold him firm.  It is no accident that God gave us a heart kid.  It is no mistake that the other Mums and Dads I know have the same path we walk.

Now I know you may be sick of seeing my posts on Facebook about Congenital Heart Disease awareness this month, but for each new person who reads my posts:

another learns about this horrible disease that steals our children's lives

another dollar is given to research; and

another prayer is sent heavenward to bring the day of cure closer.

It is no mistake that my birthday is on Valentines Day, for every year I celebrate life, I celebrate the life of heart kids everywhere.  Think of them when you see a heart on your card this Valentines Day.

 Sam in Melbourne's Royal Children's hospital after his second surgery, January 2009 (5 months old)

Sam in Mt Isa pretending to ride the bobcat in Mt Isa, Christmas 2012 (aged 4).

Ahhhhhhh! 18 days becomes 46.

This afternoon we received the call from the Mater Hospital to tell us that Sam's catheter and surgery have been postponed for a month, until the 20th March.  How do I feel about that?  In all honesty a little bit frustrated, sick, weary and guilty. 

Frustrated because it means I have told the kids way too early. Because we have to re-organise everything-flights accommodation, family and people helping us out.

Sick and weary because we have to wait yet another month for some finality, for this long and drawn out time to come to an end. Of having the anxiety plague me and because I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun and just relax.

Guilty for being so selfish, to just want it all over and done with.  How horrible is it that I want Sam to endure the pain of surgery and upset, just so that we can go on with some sort or 'normal' life?  (Inser hysterical laugh here)he just wants to go to Kindy and  have fun.  Guilty because I see others around us going through much worse and I feel like I have no reason to complain.

If I was to let how I feel consume me, I would be just that-consumed. So instead I repeat:

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Mat 6:33)

I have to believe it.  I have to believe Him or else I won't make it.  It's simple really it's God's promises to us, that stop me from drinking red wine until I am oblivious. It's God's promises that keep me from eating the IGA out of dark chocolate and it is God's promises that cause me to smile when I should be crying and curled up in a corner. That is all for now.

The Lion's Promise

I woke up feeling defeated today.  Small things are getting to me,things that don't usually bother me-housework, people's attitudes, the heat.  All of it is simply surface stuff, not the root of the problem, but it all compounds how I feel.  I sometimes feel like when I have no control over one part of my life the rest crumbles as well. For the last few weeks I have felt abandoned by the God of miracles, like my prayers are bouncing off a glass ceiling, but I still keep praying anyway and they echo in the space around me; reverberating my head and heart. And so today I went to church and was hurt by what some said there because of my fragile heart.  Is it their fault?  No, they are not to blame for my state of heart. 

So as I wrestled with God this Sunday he showed me what was hiding in my heart, weakening my defenses and causing the light to dim within me. 

While watching Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian, God spoke to me through these words. Lucy is speaking to Aslan in the movie and as she did it was my words she spoke.

Why wouldn't you show yourself? (Me: Why don't you show others your power and your love for us)

 
Why couldn't you come roaring in
and save us like last time?
(Me: You have saved Sam before why do you now stay your hand and make us endure more suffering?) 
Things never happen
the same way twice, dear one.
 
If I'd have come earlier, would everyone
who died... could I have stopped that?
(Me: What could I have done that would have stopped Sam having to have more surgery?)
 
We can never know
what would have happened, Lucy.
 
But what will happen
is another matter entirely.
 
- You mean you'll help?
- Of course.
 
- As will you.
- Oh, I wish I was braver.
 
If you were any braver,
you'd be a lioness.

I have been angry at God, because I know He has the ability, and the power to swoop in and save the day.  I HAVE SEEN HIM DO IT. 

And yet, today He speaks to me in this messy place I find myself, to tell me that 'things do not happen the same way twice', and in saying so He gives me hope.  The light within me though flickering, is growing in intesity.  For in His words there is a promise for the fight ahead of us.  I can tell you now that I don't feel like a lioness, and I wish I was braver.  But I know who fights for us, and I trust him no matter how furious I may be.  God will take my fury and use it for His glory and my good.  Because if I am angry it means I have not given up the fight.

If you are looking for the calm resolution in this post you will not find it.  My angry fighting heart remains, though God is taking it and re-moulding it for His purposes.

Sam's Heart Review - We need your prayers

We approach the hospital, we see the familiar corridors, the smell comes flooding in and I suddenly detest McDonalds...


What are we doing here Lord?  Why have you brought us back to this place?

We attend the clinic for Sam's Heart check...inwardly we cringe but keep bright and cheery, keeping Sam excited to meet his new doctor.

 I feel sick but I smile, because I have just seen the faces of so many parents who are broken and weary, wafting in and out of the Heart ward with the 'hospital look' that says, 'I am existing, but I am a shell.'

As we sit and wait in the waiting room, a teenage girl sits across from us, cannula still in her arm, she has tears sliding down her face and hangs her head low, she is broken.  Can anyone see her?

Where are you Lord?  She needs you?  

We go and Sam has his ECG and Echo. He is so brave and climbs up onto the bed by himself, he even helps remove the stickers.  I encourage him to lay still so they can take a good reading.

I'm holding on to you Lord.

We wait for another half an hour to see his new doctor.  We greet and Sam is happy to meet 'Dr Foormer' (Dr Andreas Pflaumer).  He tells us that Sam is doing fine, that all is well. Then, that the leak in his tricuspid valve has increased and that if it has not changed over the next 6 months then intervention may be needed.  That they want to start talking about the Catheter and the Fontan, because we are talking about going North in the next few years. Through the doctors eyes this makes sense, I can see his reasoning.  But I am not a doctor, and I am not reasonable about anything that means that my son must endure more pain.

What!  Where are you Jesus?  Is this your idea of a miracle?  Do I have to see him endure more pain?  Do We have to endure more pain?  I know you can take all of this way by just a word from your lips.  So where are your words?  Surely this is not your plan for us. 

We walk back to the car in silence, buying coffee from nasty McDonalds to get home.

As we drive home, the ache in my throat intensifies...

I can't do this anymore, I am weary from the fight God, not just weary, I have had enough.  I don't want to hold onto the hem of your garment anymore, it hurts too much.  You know I don't have the strength to endure this again. My spirit is crushed by the thoughts engulfing me, and cannot be made right by human hands.

I see a picture of a hand coming out of the heavens dangling a white hankie, the miracle we need, and me jumping like crazy to reach it, but it is just out of reach. I think I jumped most of the way home in the car.  The ache moved from my throat to my heart, as I look at Sam asleep in his car seat, worn out from the big morning. 


I am sorry Lord, I can't do this anymore.  I am meant to go on TV tomorrow and talk about the God of miracles, and I am not feeling that right now.  I am feeling angry, and like I am about to suffocate.

When we arrive home I slept for two hours.  I had nothing left.

When I awake and as I write He speaks:

Remain in me, you have tasted of my goodness and you know I will no let you go.  Remember the new promise that I have given you.  Claim it today and watch the new day come.  You may broken now, but it will not last for ever:

Restore our fortunes. Lord

as the streams flow in the desert.

Those who plant in tears

will harvest with shouts of joy.

They weep as they go to plant their seed,

But they sing as they return with the harvest.

(Psalm 126:4-6)

So this is where we are, right now at 4pm in the afternoon.  Pray that God can heal my ache, so that I may go and tell the world how great He is.  For He is above all things, even when I don't FEEL like it.

As I write this I have a voice whispering to me that 'the result was favourable, that I have no right to complain, and that there are many others out there that are far worse off than what we are'.  I would like to say that each of us is on our own journey, and despite the fact that we are all in different places, does not diminish the fact that the battle is any less real, or hurtful or significant.  God bless you for praying for us when we really need it.

When Your Children Suffer He Knows

Do you see how our children suffer Lord?

Do you see the pain in his eyes, and the fear that grips him, when he sees yet another syringe?

Do you see the look of absolute helplessness in his eyes, as I plead with him to sit still just for a moment and the pain will be gone soon?

Do you hear his laboured breathing, his eyes pleading with me to help him, just get one more breath?


Do you see my heart ache when I cannot help him?

Do you see him longing to run with the other kids, and not grow weary?

Can you feel the painful lump in my throat, and the tears stinging the back of my eyes, as I try to be strong for his sake?

Do you hear me, when I want to scream, but I don't because I am in the middle of a crowded place, so every fiber of my being shakes with distress and anger?

Yes, I see how MY children suffer.

Do you see the courage in your son's eyes, even when he has to endure another procedure?

Do you see the trust in him, when he resigns to let the doctors touch him, even when every part of him wants to get up and run?

Do you see me standing and holding his other hand, while his breathing labours and your heart breaks?

Do you see him content in himself even with his physical limitations, and how he draws the attention of the others in a room with his endearing and steadfast spirit?

Do you feel my heart break along with yours?  Do you feel my arms around you, strengthening you in every situation?

Do you hear me when I whisper quiet words to your heart in the midst of your anger, and how my unconditional love melts away every argument you bring?

Yes Lord, I know all of these things.

Take the fear of the future from me Lord, I cannot handle the thought of any more pain.  You have promised his healing, and so to you I turn my eyes and, in You I choose to place my hope. 

If someone you love is suffering, Jesus knows and you are not alone.

PS.  Sam and the rest of our family are well. I just wanted to share this discussion that I had with God today, to encourage anyone else who may face an ongoing battle.   Even on days when the physical pain is not so present, my heart aches at times, looking at the path we are walking.  Thankfully, Jesus knows, he suffered in my place, and is more than equipped to handle my feelings.  He waits to hear yours as well.

Battles of the Mind-Promotion

When you publish a book, it must be made available so that people can read it.  In order for people to know that your book exists, you must promote your book.  I love to share with others about our story.  I love to see the look on their face when I tell them that the three year old boy standing beside me, lives on half a heart.  I love to tell them how God has delivered us from one hardship after another, to bring us where we are today.  I love to give the glory to God. 
I enjoy speaking on the radio, probably a throw back to when I used to teach school of the air. One day I would love to have the opportunity to receive questions or comments from listeners. 
I love speaking to groups, large and small, seeing their tears and smiles of triumph, as they empathise with us. 
Book signings give a great opportunity to be able to share one on one with people and also allows them to share their story with you.

Today I found out that Word Bookstores, in their infinite wisdom, have decided not to go ahead with  in-store book signings any longer.  Whether this is a once off decision or a blanket affect, will be seen in time.

So today I was hit with conflicting feelings:

Rejection-do I take this personally?  I am sure if I was a big name American author there would not be a problem.  They do not value my work.  They do not value our journey.

or

Rationalisation- They are a business, they care about making money.  The problem is I was trying to help them sell books, so this makes no sense.  It was not costing them anything to have me in-store, so it is not about that at all.  It actually costs me in time and money to be there.

or

Realisation -This book journey is not about me, or bookstores.  It is about encouraging people and ministering to them with God's love.  Is is about believing that God has removed this opportunity for reasons currently beyond my sight, and I love him enough to trust Him. I am not out to make a name for myself, only give honour to His. 

And so I will pick myself up from this current state of confusion, lift my eyes to him, and know he has better things in the future.

God please give me the courage to keep putting myself on the front lines for you. You took all of the lashes, the shame and the death for me, let me endure this with your grace. 

Pick Up Your Sword!

Now that we have put on our tiara's/crowns(read here), God is calling us to a higher purpose.  God has told us that the difficulties and challenges that we face each day, are not fought with our hands and feet, but with the spirit (Ephesians 6:12).  I believe it is high time we stop complaining about our situations and circumstances, and standing in our royal garb, take up the sword.  I see a stirring in the people of God after many years of defeat, a stirring that is awakening the warrior within.  No longer are his people content to whinge about the weather, their latest ailment or their financial situation.  There is a change happening deep within the human spirit, that has been emerged through the signs of the times.  I think we have finally come to realise that we are a catalyst for change.  We have been given power from on high to affect change on the earth.  We are able to do nothing without God in us, but by Him we can do all things(Phil 4:13).  He is empowering us by Holy Spirit.

In this last week we have had a tumultuous time of waiting. We are waiting to see if our home will sell, if we are moving interstate, we are waiting on Sam to be healed, we are waiting to hear if Don passes his medical, and we are waiting to see if the college will take Don mid year.  So much waiting and trusting and hoping.  And while all of this goes on, the enemy of discouragement comes.  This last week has seen us in the emergency department with Sam with suspected concussion.  An ambulance ride at 11.30pm, only to arrive home and well by 3.30am.  The enemy's pathetic attempt to keep us distracted and defeated.  We have had difficulties with home buyers, our finances, and a number of other problems.   It is these times on the front lines that our character is tested. 
With God's help we have learned again and again that this is not the time to accept the lies, become distracted and put your head under a pillow and scream.  This is the time when you take up your sword!  This is the time when you deal the enemy his biggest blow.  When you are on the back foot, the last thing he expects is for you to run and charge with sword drawn.
Shout God's promises, read them, meditate upon them.  Train your mind to block out all negative thoughts and desires.  Sing your heart out, even while the tears pour down.  I have people say to me, 'That all sounds very spiritual, but this is a real problem'. 

What we see before us is not the reality of what we fight.  The reality of the fight is in the spirit, and when we stand our ground there, we see the problems before our eyes and in our heart, transformed into blessing. 

Image source

Will you draw you sword brother and sister?  Will you stand with me on the battle ground?  Will you bring the Kingdom of Heaven down to Earth to prepare the way for the King?

Fruit Bowl or Compost Bin?

When I read the the latest headlines on the news websites I often browse to the bottom to read people's comments on the stories.  More than ever the comments are becoming more offensive and uncaring.  Showing malice toward not only the story itself, but lashing out at the others who dare to leave a comment.  The same can be seen on our roads in the form of so called 'roadrage'.  There seems to be an ever increasing hostility in this world in which we live. When I was talking to God about it this week he reminded me it was no surprise that what is coming from people's mouths is often abrasive.  He started off by leading me to this scripture.

But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you.(Matthew 15:18)

This is very confronting isn't it?  In this passage Jesus plainly tells the religious leaders of the day, as well us us, that it doesn't matter what we eat. It doesn't matter if we follow all of the rules for cleanliness etc.  If our hearts are full of darkness that is what will come pouring out of our mouths. What does that tell me about the words coming from people's lips? It tells me the condition of their heart.  If I speak negatively then negativity is what is hidden in my heart.  If anger and abuse comes from my mouth, then anger and bitterness is what I have welled up in my heart. If lewd comments and dirty jokes is what comes out of my mouth then that is what will be found in my heart. 
If we claim to be children of God, born again by his Holy Spirit.  This is God's promise to us:

..and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.(2 Corinthians 1:22)

If we  truly have God's Holy Spirit in our hearts,  his Holy Spirit will convict us very quickly of sin in our hearts.  He will let us know when we hold unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, bitterness, negativity, unbelief etc.  Because where there is light, darkness cannot not exist.  God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all (1 John 1:5)

And also

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper  than the sharpest two edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow.  It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. (Hebrews 4:12)
You cannot claim to know Jesus as your Saviour and live in the darkness.  You cannot profess to know Jesus as Lord of your life, and let words of condemnation and criticism spill from your lips.

Jesus says that we will know his followers by their fruit.  You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? (Matthew 7:16).  If God's Spirit lives in your heart and you spend time with him daily you will bear good fruit. You can read more about them in Galations 5:22.

Check your heart. Check out your fruit. Does it have a good aroma or is it fit for the compost bin?  This world is searching for answers, searching for God.  We need to make sure that we are showing the fruit of the Spirit so others will want to eat.  If we don't act what we profess, then all we are blowing is a lot of hot air.  God is in the process of checking hearts.  Make sure your heart is right with with him.  He is looking to make your life a fruitful vine, reaching into a world that needs light and life.

An Honest Heart

At God's insistence I am going to share my heart with you.  This is not a pretty picture I am about to paint, but I am an honest person and I will not pretend to be something I am not.

I have been angry at God the last day or so.  When I say angry I mean disappointed, frustrated, yell your annoyance kind of angry.  I was angry because he has given Sam a promise of a new heart and I still don't see it.  Don't misinterpret me, I believe God is going to give Sam his new heart, he doesn't lie.  However I am a Mum, and when I see my son going through pain, fear and illness I feel every inch of it alongside him.  If you are a Mum you know what I am talking about.  If your child cuts their finger you get that squeamish feeling down in the pit of your stomach because they are hurting.  So imagine what it is like to see your son being pricked and prodded and injected on a regular basis.  It does something to your emotions.  You start to become annoyed that they should have to endure such treatment when the God of the Heavens has made him a promise of life in abundance.  That annoyance grows into bitterness and that bitterness grows into frustration and anger.
This morning I didn't even feel like going to worship with my church family.  Satan whispers lies like 'You don't want them to see you like this do you?  Where is your strength and faith now?  Stay at home and sort it out with God."  I was hurting and broken and this is when he comes with his lies.  Then the Holy Spirit rose up in me saying "In your weakness his strength is revealed".  We chose to go to church this morning without our happy face and cheery disposition.  When the music started for worship I cried and cried and cried on my knees.  I cried because God reminded me of how he felt when Jesus was crucified on the cross to save us.  How he hurt each time the hammer was raised and the nails were embedded into his flesh, just like Sam getting his cannula.  How his heart ached for His son Jesus, like my heart aches now for my son Sam.  He reminded me that he too feels my pain. 
I wept on my knees because I was overcome by the fact that God loves me even though I am angry at him.   I wept because I felt my faith was faltering in my anger.    God checked my heart and found my faith steadfast and built on the rock of his Word, even though my heart felt crushed and my emotions haywire.

People prayed for me as the music played, they wrapped their arms around me and shared my pain.
And so as I wept and gave my burden over to God, I saw the Lord smile and his peace flooded my heart.  This is why I love my church family.  We are one in Spirit.  We don't come with false pretenses.  We share in each other joys and sorrow and we fight alongside each other for victory. 

I guess in writing this post I wanted you see that I am not anything special. It is God in me who is amazing. I want you to know that I am as human as the next person but I trust in an extraordinary God who may let me stumble but he will not let me fall.

And as for God's promise of a new heart for Sam, it stands firm.  Nothing has changed in God's eyes, except maybe I am now closer to him though baring an honest heart.  One step closer to the faith that will move mountains.