I woke up feeling defeated today. Small things are getting to me,things that don't usually bother me-housework, people's attitudes, the heat. All of it is simply surface stuff, not the root of the problem, but it all compounds how I feel. I sometimes feel like when I have no control over one part of my life the rest crumbles as well. For the last few weeks I have felt abandoned by the God of miracles, like my prayers are bouncing off a glass ceiling, but I still keep praying anyway and they echo in the space around me; reverberating my head and heart. And so today I went to church and was hurt by what some said there because of my fragile heart. Is it their fault? No, they are not to blame for my state of heart.
So as I wrestled with God this Sunday he showed me what was hiding in my heart, weakening my defenses and causing the light to dim within me.
While watching Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian, God spoke to me through these words. Lucy is speaking to Aslan in the movie and as she did it was my words she spoke.
Why wouldn't you show yourself? (Me: Why don't you show others your power and your love for us)
Why couldn't you come roaring in
and save us like last time?
(Me: You have saved Sam before why do you now stay your hand and make us endure more suffering?)
Things never happen
the same way twice, dear one.
If I'd have come earlier, would everyone
who died... could I have stopped that?
(Me: What could I have done that would have stopped Sam having to have more surgery?)
We can never know
what would have happened, Lucy.
But what will happen
is another matter entirely.
- You mean you'll help?
- Of course.
- As will you.
- Oh, I wish I was braver.
If you were any braver,
you'd be a lioness.
I have been angry at God, because I know He has the ability, and the power to swoop in and save the day. I HAVE SEEN HIM DO IT.
And yet, today He speaks to me in this messy place I find myself, to tell me that 'things do not happen the same way twice', and in saying so He gives me hope. The light within me though flickering, is growing in intesity. For in His words there is a promise for the fight ahead of us. I can tell you now that I don't feel like a lioness, and I wish I was braver. But I know who fights for us, and I trust him no matter how furious I may be. God will take my fury and use it for His glory and my good. Because if I am angry it means I have not given up the fight.
If you are looking for the calm resolution in this post you will not find it. My angry fighting heart remains, though God is taking it and re-moulding it for His purposes.