I feel so flat and tired. More so than I have for a very long time. I feel old like my body and mind are well beyond their years. My spirit is splintered and my heart cries out from within me for some relief from living a life beyond what I can handle.
Yet God is there, nursing me through, yet another season of grief that has arrived before it's time. For I have already taken the burden of Sam's coming surgery upon my shoulders and it is too heavy to carry alone. Yet, the world goes on demanding my time, my energy, my attention. I have a family, a home and a business to look after. Even weekends which are meant to be restful have become tiresome. When does the weariness end?
Where is my optimism, my hope, my purpose to drive on through it all? It is in God, Him in me. It is flickering at the moment like a candle in the wind.
I will mourn the news that Sam requires more surgery. I will mourn the fact that our family has to once again endure hospitals and surgery. For it is our reality, like that of many other families. I will not sweep it under the rug and pretend that everything is OK. It is not.
Does this mean I am ungrateful, or un-christian, or un-trusting? No. It means I am real and human and loved by a God who loves me even when I am messy.
So this is where my heart is on this overcast and humid outback afternoon. It is not pretty, simply honest and hoping for brighter days head.