Day Three-Post Fontan

Last night we had a relatively trouble free night, until the early morning.  One of Sam's pleural drain collection bulbs became dislodged and there was concern that air may have entered his body through the tubes.  Thankfully the tubes have a one way valve that worked effectively and after a chest x-ray, he was cleared of all concern.

Because of a very early chest x-ray at 4am it was a very long morning of physio.  It is especially bad for him first thing in the morning and is really painful. As the day progressed, he was able to to walk very slowly, trailing with drains and wires without continually crying out in pain.  We all know that he needs to do the physio to get better but trying to explain to Sam that he needs to move through the pain, is very difficult.  Today after his longest walk while he was perspiring with pain and his legs were shaking, he begged me to carry him, and I had to tell him that I couldn't but I would help him walk. Tough times for a Mum's heart. Don has been here with me all day today as well as Jack was visiting with family. The walking needs to increase each day while the pain medications decrease, so please pray that he will be spared the sharp stabbing pains from the drains.

Sam's appetite returned somewhat today and cheese sticks, baked beans and part of a chicken sandwich were his choices.  This all means he will have more energy to recover and heal.

There are some tremendously tough cases with us right now in the close observation room and the level of anxiety in some of the patients is very high, which affects us all. Rest can also be elusive. He has had a super nurse today which has made all of this much more bearable. We are praying that we will soon be in a regular ward room so we can sleep beside Sam and he will get more rest.

We have had some visitors, though Sam has not been very responsive to them we have appreciated them so much.  In the next few days we look forward to seeing more of our little boy's spunky personality return.

This afternoon, Sam gave me the best reward I could have ever wanted for Easter...

His happy little smile.

Happy Easter friends.  I can tell you that being here this Easter brings great clarity to what Jesus has done for us all. It's simple really, where He is there is life and He paid the price so we could have it. Here in hospital where we see so many little lives hanging in the balance, the message has never been more clear... more simple...so beautiful.

Day One

Sam has finally just nodded off to sleep.  So far they have drawn one lot of bloods from his cannula.  They are checking to see his if his Heparin levels are at the right dose.  They will continue to do this every four hours until they are in limits, so that means 10.30pm, 2.30am, 6.30am etc.  Please pray that they well settle quickly.

Sam's skin has always been very sensitive. He even reacted to the tegaderm that they used today to keep the angel cream on.  The cannula's hurt and sting a little where they enter the skin and then are cold up his arm So pray that they settle down too please.  I asked the nurses for a dose of paracetamol tonight so that he could go to sleep without the little stabbing pains. 

Once Sam's heparin levels are good, they will have to do little else tomorrow except observe so this is what we are aiming for. 

Wednesday is the day that his cardiac catheter will occur. 

Please pray for Don, he has had a really rough day in more ways than one today.  I won't elaborate, just pray.

I am sleeping (yeah right) beside Sam's bed tonight and will be each night this week. 

Hospitals are such strange places, nobody truly likes them.  We are all here trying to make the best of the circumstance in which we find ourselves.

Sam speaks politely to all of the nurses while he eyes them suspiciously, and then as they are finishing up his obs, he reminds them firmly and with warning in his voice that they will not be using a needle on him. On that note, please pray that the cannula that they are using to draw blood remains working well.  We do not need an encore of today's events.

One step at a time, one prayer at a time, each time closer to a life post Fontan.

Imagine for a moment...

Imagine for a moment...that your child has a disease that cannot be healed or restored by human hands, yet. 

Imagine for a moment...watching your child a little more carefully than you usually would, being careful to protect them from further harm, because they do not deserve any more pain. But in the same breath forcing yourself to let them live freely and not be inhibited by what they cannot do, instead empowered by what they can do.

Imagine for a moment...giving away any dreams you had for your own career or life.  Putting aside your own ambitions and having your path redirected to a place that you wouldn't wish on any other human being.  The place where you have to watch your child endure that which you would gladly carry yourself in their stead.

Imagine for a moment...having the reality of pondering on whether your child will become a young man or woman. As many of their young friends do not have the opportunity and lose the battle this side of heaven.

Then

Imagine for a moment...that God truly is God and is real beyond your wildest imaginings.

Imagine for a moment...that God loves you and gave you promise for your son.  The promise of a future that is steadfast and true. A promise in complete polar opposite of your worst fears.

Imagine for a moment...that you find that the life that has been mapped out for you, though painful, is more fulfilling and life changing than what you ever could have planned.


The place you have just imagined is where I live. 

Hear Me Roar (again-I'm sure I've used that title before)

We all have these weeks.  The ones where everything goes pear-shaped and you see to see your life through a microscope as some small organism.
So we have all just come through a nasty bout of gastro, following Sam's debut week at Kindy.  Not the best of starts, but hey if you're going to lose weight it's a sure fire way to manage it.  Unfortunately Sam's weight loss was not needed and he will need to spend at least the next two weeks eating packets of Tim Tams to reacquire that which was lost. Don managed to escape unscathed, however permanently etched in his mind will be the ever resplendent vision of me in all my sick glory.

And because I have been tired and sick and trying to still be Mum and wife to some degree, I have been a little emotional.

One of Sam's little heart friends Kobe had his Fontan operation last week.  the same operation that Sam will need in a few months.  I have been watching their updates, praying for them, crying with them and rejoicing in small mercies.  When I see the photos of Kobe with the big scar down the front of his chest the drains that hang from his midsection, the pain in his eyes, my own heart breaks.  For when I look at him I see Sam and when I hear his family's pain, I feel it too.

'Don't look at it! Don't watch his updates', some may say.

I cannot do what you ask.

You see I cannot just leave Congenital Heart Disease at work and then come home.  We live with it day in and day out.  We see it take Sam's fellow warriors home far earlier than should ever be.

'Have faith, everything will be OK' I also hear from others.

I tell you, I have faith.  

My faith is bigger than locking myself up so that it doesn't hurt.  My faith is raw and in your face.  It makes me cry and feel and love and roar when I'm angry.

Roooooooooaaaaaaar!

Did you hear me?! I hate CHD and what it does to our kids to our families and our friends! But I refuse to believe that our suffering is for nothing and even these broken, hurtful shards of our life will be made to be something beautiful, given to God, given time.

God did not make me meek, nor did he make Sam that way.  God gave Sam a protective and strong big brother in Jack, and a Dad who is tall and strong in heart, that can hold him firm.  It is no accident that God gave us a heart kid.  It is no mistake that the other Mums and Dads I know have the same path we walk.

Now I know you may be sick of seeing my posts on Facebook about Congenital Heart Disease awareness this month, but for each new person who reads my posts:

another learns about this horrible disease that steals our children's lives

another dollar is given to research; and

another prayer is sent heavenward to bring the day of cure closer.

It is no mistake that my birthday is on Valentines Day, for every year I celebrate life, I celebrate the life of heart kids everywhere.  Think of them when you see a heart on your card this Valentines Day.

 Sam in Melbourne's Royal Children's hospital after his second surgery, January 2009 (5 months old)

Sam in Mt Isa pretending to ride the bobcat in Mt Isa, Christmas 2012 (aged 4).

Ahhhhhhh! 18 days becomes 46.

This afternoon we received the call from the Mater Hospital to tell us that Sam's catheter and surgery have been postponed for a month, until the 20th March.  How do I feel about that?  In all honesty a little bit frustrated, sick, weary and guilty. 

Frustrated because it means I have told the kids way too early. Because we have to re-organise everything-flights accommodation, family and people helping us out.

Sick and weary because we have to wait yet another month for some finality, for this long and drawn out time to come to an end. Of having the anxiety plague me and because I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun and just relax.

Guilty for being so selfish, to just want it all over and done with.  How horrible is it that I want Sam to endure the pain of surgery and upset, just so that we can go on with some sort or 'normal' life?  (Inser hysterical laugh here)he just wants to go to Kindy and  have fun.  Guilty because I see others around us going through much worse and I feel like I have no reason to complain.

If I was to let how I feel consume me, I would be just that-consumed. So instead I repeat:

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Mat 6:33)

I have to believe it.  I have to believe Him or else I won't make it.  It's simple really it's God's promises to us, that stop me from drinking red wine until I am oblivious. It's God's promises that keep me from eating the IGA out of dark chocolate and it is God's promises that cause me to smile when I should be crying and curled up in a corner. That is all for now.

I Do Not Recommend Running From God

It's a new year, a time of new things. Over the last week God has been speaking to me about how he is doing a new thing in our family.  How we are to hold the past lightly and look to the future, for there is good things to come.  I have a renewed hope in God. For the last few weeks I have been running from Him.  You would think I would learn by now.  I buried myself in reading copious amounts of romance novels, cleaning the house and filling every spare minute of solitude with some form of entertainment to keep my mind busy and my heart disengaged.  Have you ever done that?  It is exhausting! Still Jesus pursued me, waiting quietly by my side, beckoning me to spend some time chatting with him; the ever so patient but incredibly relentless God that He is.

So I gave up running, weary from His pursuit and failing in my own strength to overcome that which threatens to take hold of my heart.  There is actually quite a list of contenders for my heart-fear, insecurity and doubt are all making a play for me, but thankfully I have already given my heart over to God.  And He is relentless in love, refusing to budge at all no matter how much I disregard Him.

So in the stillness of the moment, in the dark of the night while the house sleeps I pray.  I start with words because it's easier that way sometimes. 

'You know I love you God, but I am pretty unsure of you right now.  How can you make us do this whole surgery things again?  You need to step up because I am just not getting this whole plan you have laid out before us.  I am trying to trust you, but it is hard and I know that I can' t do it alone.  I've been trying for a few weeks now and I am a exhausted...Sam is......................Jack needs..............................Don is.....................................I am................................' and on and on I went.

Then His presence rested heavy upon my heart and I feel the lump rise in my throat, the tears sting the backs of my eyes and overflow down my cheeks. Then I have no words, just sobbing and soft groans and the words from heaven that were given to me to pray when I have none.

Time passes and the ache subsides to be replaced by a warmth that spreads from the centre of my belly like living water, washing with it's tide any of the remnants of hurt.  I feel God's peace rest upon me again and I wonder why I ran to begin with.  Why would I run from the only arms that know how to comfort my soul? 

You run because you are still human and that is OK.  There is nowhere you will run, that I will not follow.  But now that I have you back in my arms, let me lead you.  Let me show you the hidden path, that was blinded by fear and doubt. I ask you to do much that is no comfortable, much which causes you pain but there is so much you do not see.  Do you know how you make me smile, to see you endure such things for my glory, so that others may see my love reflected in your lives? Do not fear what is to come, I have it all in hand.  With great trial comes greater blessings. I love you.

In forty days Sam will be heading to the Mater Hospital for his catheter.  Plane tickets have been booked for he and I. A nights accommodation has been booked at Ronald McDonald House for the first night, before he is admitted.  It looks like we are going to have to catch a taxi from the airport with our luggage or the air train, which will be an out of pocket expense.  I am leaving behind Jack who is just beginning grade 1and my husband, who will be working.  He has to, we cannot afford to have us both there.  Rent needs to be paid, bills do not stop coming.  He also has no holidays up his sleeve as he only recently commenced this new job.  For the week that Sam is in hospital for his catheter I will sleep by his bed. And then we will hear the results from the catheter that tell us whether Sam is a candidate for the Fontan operation, the last stage of his three stage open heart operations.  Then a date will be set and we will wait close by until that time.  All the while being separated from our family.  Then Sam will be readmitted and Don and Jack will join us, because frankly we can't go through it without being together as a family (hang the fact that we cannot not afford it and my go into significant debt).  Sam will endure the surgery.  Don and Jack will head home when Sam is healing at a miraculously rapid rate, and Sam and I will follow in time ( I am hoping before Easter). And then we will come home and be a family again and enjoy all of the crazy fun things we like to do.  And then I will feel like this operation that has had us on a leash for the last four years is long gone, and it will no longer dominate our future. 

As most of you know, this blog is my head space.  A place where I can commit what is happening in my heart and head, to type and prayer.  The blog is healing for me, a place where I can share with others what is going on with us, without being a melting pot of tears explaining it all verbally. There have been a couple of times recently when I have considered closing the blog down, but I know now is not the time.  So it looks like you may have to put up with my presence in cyberspace a little longer. xx Nicole

Put Your Words Away

Some days my skin is thicker than some.  Other days the barbed words hurt more than I should allow. I have a mother's heart after all.  The word darts are unintentional, offered in passing by often with a smile. 

This morning at swimming the bullet words came again from a lovely mother with her own beautiful healthy children. 

'Your legs are blue aren't they little guy' and then, 'He runs funny, doesn't he?'

She then looks to me like I should be getting Sam out of the water in the 37C heat, because he is 'obviously' cold.

I grin and then continue to talk to Sam.  She goes on her way.  Some days the barbs sink deeper than they should. 

So in response to that dear lady and the countless others that mean well, this is what I would like to say in hind sight.

'You miss the point entirely.  Sam RUNS, he SWIMS, he PLAYS, and can CONVERSE better than many kids his age.  Sam can LAUGH like no-one business and when you are down or hurt he is COMPASSIONATE and will PRAY for you.  Before he was born I was told he would do none of these things.

You look and see his blue legs, and lips and make a judgement based on what you know, so I will forgive you and I will smile and trust that in the future you will guard your lips, as the words that tumble from them without thought have the intention to not only hurt others but make you look like an idiot.'

 

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"You never fail until you stop trying.”
― Albert Einstein

Feeling Hung Out To Dry

This week has been hard. I have had the weight of heaviness resting on my shoulders and I have been surrounded by a contrast of sadness and absolute joy.

This week the baby magpie we saved died.

Then Don's Mum and Dad and Grandma came to visit.  We rejoiced in their company and they also brought our old dog Rusty with them.  I bought Rusty as a pup before Don and I were married nearly 12 years ago.  She moved to live with Don's parents when we had to relocate to Melbourne last year.  We were excited to have her stay for a few days while Don's parents popped out to Mt Isa.  While they were away, she escaped from our yard and I spent a whole afternoon searching the town for her.  Finally late in the afternoon we received word that someone had seen her and we drove out and found her about a kilometer from home on the road out of town.  She was dead, having been struck by a car.  We brought her home and buried her next to Mango the magpie, where the petunias are beginning to spread their colourful carpet.

I have been excited about new adventures with new friends and starting Avon.  We were even able to share some of our story with Sam at church on Sunday, which was great.

Then I received news that two little ones whom we had been praying for passed away this week, both due to Congenital Heart Disease. Two more little lives and the dreams are lost to this horrible disease. 

So I feel like I am stuck in the wash cycle of a washing machine.  You know how it is.  Your head whirls, your heart aches and you get that ache in your throat that threatens to spill into tears.  And then you suck it up and keep going, because lunches still need to be made and clothes need to be washed and you want to enjoy the precious moments that you have with family you don't see very often. 

HOWEVER...

I have learned not to be pushed around by the way that I feel.  Love and life are not a feelings but acts of our will.  And so I choose to feel the pain, then give it back to God.  Because the pain means I am human and that I love deeply. I love that God made me with a heart that lets others in no matter how much it hurts.  But I will not carry it for my shoulders are not nearly broad enough to carry the load that God requires of me.  Jesus takes what I cannot and he smiles at me, and walks with me.  So as I come out of the wash cycle, I look forward to hanging on the line for a while and letting the gentle breeze blow over me. Once again I will be refreshed. For now, I will just hang out on the line enjoying the rest.

Hard Week

This week has been trying on many around us and I have to admit it has taken it's toll on our family as well. This week we lost a dear friend, Christine, very suddenly and it has shocked us all.  Christine was daughter of God, a loving wife and a mother to four beautiful girls, all in primary school.  I still can't believe she is gone, and I think it will take some time for the fact to become a reality in my mind. It has shaken Don and I, once again, as we realise how finite our time here on earth is and how all of our minutes count.  It is not the first time we have had to face this kind of loss but is does not make it an easier and my heart breaks for her family.

We also know  another little girl who is battling tough at the moment with HLHS.  Her family is in Denmark and I would really appreciate it if you could pray for Hannah.  I really want her Mum and Dad to be able to take her home.  They need a miracle of epic proportions and I know God is in to that, so please ask.

In between the turmoil, I have all but given up on packing, most of it is done anyhow.  Our house here does not yet have a replacement tenant, and there is a severe shortage of housing in Longreach.  And so we are here at the 11th hour, waiting, hoping and praying for a place to live.  We leave Victoria in less than two weeks and it would greatly please my heart if I knew we had a home to go to, especially with two little boys and a dog to think about.  Everything else seems to be coming along smoothly with the move. 

So many times this week I catch myself staring off into space, going to bed early, drinking way too much tea and searching God's word for hope in all ways.  He has never let me down yet.  I don't pretend to think that He will this time.  In fact I choose to believe that He has only his best in store for us, that no only will He provide what we need but that He may delight us by giving us the desires of our heart.

And in the meanwhile I picture Christine standing with Jesus, hand in hand as they wander the heavens together, where there is no more sadness or sickness or pain.  See you again one day beautiful lady.  I know I will, because we have family in high places.

Taking The Scenic Route

This weekend has seen us face many new challenges, so I thought it must be about time that I share them here.  As most of you know I blog to share our family life, to rally people to pray, and in the process I work things out with God, hoping to help others as well.

Our call to MAF is not going to take the path we originally thought. Over the last month any things have happened to bring about this change.  The two most pertinent being:

• God has brought to Don' and my attention that it is not possible for Don to complete Bible College this year, as well as finishing the flying training.  For us to continue our course of action and do this is would all need to be completed this year, as otherwise we would have no income after that.

• We received news on Friday that the cost of the remaining of the flying course has now increased by $6000-$10000.  This is when the door was finally closed to us following our present course of action.  God has closed the door. 

It is not the enemy.  We feel at peace.  At first we were disappointed, but as we waited on God and he spoke to our hearts we realised, this is His way.  And His way, is ALWAYS better then ours, no matter how it looks at the time.  We know God can miraculously supply the money needed and already we have had offers of people wanting to help. But we cannot, when we know it is not God's will that we do. 
For the last month, God has been talking to us about open doors, and the scripture Jeremiah 29:11 has been ringing out loud.  So we know now that God has closed this door, that another will shortly open. 

So what does this mean...

• It means that we are still moving toward serving with MAF, but at a much slower rate.  WE have asked MAF to give us an indication on our suitability to serve with them, using the information they have (interviews, medical, psyche etc).  If this is favourable, then we will continue to pursue this calling. 

• The open door we are waiting for is a job for Don.  We trust God that he has something ready somewhere, for him to go to.  It may mean that we need to move again. In fact it is highly probable.

• Bible college will be completed by distance at Don's own pace.

• Don will continue to fly now until he achieves his Commercial Pilot's License (CPL).  At this point he will cease flying at ACMA and just continue with Bible College until the end of Semester or until he finds work.

We have been through much this last weekend with all of this; first shock, then disappointment, then humility, then a sense of feeling lost.  So we just both held on tight and sat in God's lap listening to his heartbeat.  No profound sense of revelation came.  Just His steady heartbeat and then finally His amazing peace.  We know we have made the right decisions.  Now we just wait and act patiently for Him to point us in the right direction.

We have not failed.  In God's eyes, we have done all He has asked, and that makes us His obedient children.  He has blessed us here with great friends and an awesome church.  The people we have met have impacted out lives and we have impacted theirs.  That is what missions is all about anyway.  Even if this was the whole purpose to us being called to MAF, that is enough for me. 

We don't pretend to have this altogether, in fact we are more unsure of our future here than we have ever been.  But I know where my future is secure.  Jesus is building us a home in heaven and it is beyond what my mind can ever comprehend.  I know that when I see it, I will crumble at his feet and cry, because He knows me better than I know myself. We may not have much treasure left this side of heaven, but I know Jesus is storing up mine with Him. He sees our future and He knows what is to come.  And so we will trust Him now, as we always have and rest in the fact that he has plans to prosper and bless.

If you think of us, please pray for us in this time of endings and new beginnings. 

xx Nicole

God Loves Me Anyway

I love that I am human.  I love that I feel and love and hurt.  I love that God made me in his image and loves me regardless of my continual blunders.  I love that He is still making me perfect and that I am nowhere near it yet.  Because in all of my brokenness, I can see His hand at work, Holy Spirit making changes to help me, even when it hurts. 

Boy, has my faith been tested recently.  Especially in regard to our calling to MAF.  (See more about that here and then here.)

Sometime you are just in that place where your mind has had enough, your body quakes and your heart melts likes molten wax.  I guess that is how I have felt like that for the last 4 days. Inwardly and quietly I have been crying out to God.  I have dared to think questions such as:

Are we in the right place?

Is this a fight, or is this God closing doors and us breaking them down, in misdirected fervour?

Can we just run away? Oh let me run away! 

Why are you so quiet? I can barely hear your voice above all that clamours for our attention.

Psalm 77 has been my prayer now for the last week.

and within me Holy Spirit whispers...

You know the answers, you don't even need to voice these questions.

Rest in the lap of your Father and let Him work it all out. 

If you could just see the battle being waged on your behalf you would be overwhelmed and in awe of His love for you.

Keep holding on...

Keep holding on...

Keep holding on...


Well God is silent no longer!

And now His words blow like a mighty wind, flaming the smouldering embers deep within my heart. God is fanning the flame, fighting the fight, clearing my mind, healing my heart and bringing new strength to my bones.

How un-real life was without Him.  I can barely remember what I was like before I knew the love of God.

Yes, we are in the right place, and we are fighting a great battle because God has great things planned.  I want you to know that your prayers and mine have been heard and that God is moving to turn the tide.  His promises will be fulfilled.  God always keeps His word.

Lemon and Lime, Hold the Bitters

The last few weeks have been monumental.  Don has been continually studying/cramming for the last 7 weeks.  He passed two exams only to fail the third.  The boys and I have been to Qld, where I attended the Word Writers Conference in Brisbane and then had a few days holiday with family.  Since we have arrived home we have been very busy, and the boys and I have had a head/cold/fever.To top it off Centrelink called yesterday to inform us that they were decreasing our payments as they had made a mistake with their calculations. Oh dear.  I am sure that you have days like this, sometimes weeks even, where everything just seems to go pear-shaped.

The world suddenly becomes much to big for it's boots and you feel like you are about to be buried under a pile of rubble. 

Do not despair, God is there.

He has not gone somewhere just because things are not going swimmingly in your life, in fact if anything he is closer than the air your breathe.

Do not allow bitterness to settle in your heart, but let yourself be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom 12:2)

Do not compare yourself and your situation to others around you.  Each of us is on our own unique journey, and though we may encourage and uplift one another, comparing will do you no favours.  People will always be better off than you, people will always be worse off than you.  Your problems are as significant as the next persons and your troubles will not overcome you, if you give them over to God in prayer.

God can take what is broken in your life and turn it around for your good.

Harbouring self pity and bitterness in your heart bind God's ability to help you.  He will not force you to choose him.  He has always given us free will. 

I am not rebuking you today, I am reminding myself and sharing with you in the process.  I will not pretend to be more than I am.  I would be nothing but for the mercy of God.

We know many families going through life changing circumstances and unimaginable heartaches, we know people that are struggling to pay bills, have ongoing depression, some who are watching their kids struggle daily with their health, and some who have lost them this side of heaven.  But I will not take on their burdens or they will crush me.  Only Jesus was designed to carry the weight of the burden of sin.  He did it all on the cross for us so that we would not have to crushed under the weight.  I warn you, as I warn myself, do not harbour disappointment, anger, resentment and offence in your heart.

I will cry with them, I will laugh with them in victory, I will carry them to God in prayer.

'Father God refresh my mind and heal the wound left by bitterness in my heart.  Forgive me.  I love you.  I wait for your joy in the morning.'

A Day Too Long

My eyes are weary from waiting to see you keep your promise...Psalm 119:123

...and so while I wait, I will delight in the little things in this beautiful life you have given me.  My spirit is tired and stretched, so I hold firmly onto your hand.  Sam waits patiently for his new heart, living to the best he can with part that he has.  It is I who grow weary Lord, because I see him struggle with the cold weather, his ice cold fingers red and blue, his red mottled cheeks.  I see him struggle for breath, trying to keep up with his big brother, coughing uncontrollably when exerted too much. I am challenged Lord by this path that we walk, and I cannot do it alone, my own heart cannot bear it, I must be filled with you, if I am to last one day longer.

So as I wait on you and your restoration for all of us, we enjoy delectable cakes from the bakery...

 

long walks in the park...

and sharing our journey whenever we can, to encourage others in their trials.

I Want To Call Her Stacey

At the conference over the weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting the creator of this short animated film about a baby's life in the womb before abortion.  It is powerful, emotive and extremely beautiful.  Zac Bavas has with great care and thoughtfulness created a visual masterpiece that gives a very different view of pregnancy from the baby's perspective.  You get to see the baby grow and change.  You get to hear what the baby hears as she grows-the good and the bad.  And then you get to see the terrible truth of abortion- light entering the womb, a frightened baby, and then nothing.  Zach and the film team have woven this film together without being gory and unreal.  It is truthful and I can tell you, I cried uncontrollably.  I cried because this is the future that was offered to us for Sam and many other babies on a day to day basis.  Did you know that in Victoria it is legal to kill babies up until birth and if they survive the birth they can just be left to die?  That law was passed in October 2008, 10 days after Sam's birth. In the very state and city where he was given the chance to live.  And yet our government recently stopped the ban on all live cattle exports because of animal cruelty.  God help us.

I have included the link to where you can buy the movie for only $10.  It may not be something you will watch every day but I can guarantee it once you see it, you will never be the same again.  If you are interested in saving the lives of unborn babies and also supporting and loving their mums, I would encourage you to have a look.  Please pray for Australia's mothers and babies and also for our government.

“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’(Matthew 25:45)

The Story of a Necklace

I want to share something with you that on the outside may seems petty in it's significance, but it's emotion runs soul deep.

Yesterday morning as I prepared the boy's breakfast I was a little frazzled.  I had been trying to keep them quiet as Don had been on night shift, and was trying to sleep, and they were being unusually noisy. I had told them to be quiet a number of times, and then it happened.  Jack picked up the necklace.

Now, you are going to need a bit of back ground onthe necklace.  I bought this necklace last weekend at the Conference.  It is beautiful and shiny and girly.  Most importantly it has a large heart shaped glass bead at the bottom. For the last many years, I have not bought anything pretty for myself; I just haven't.  I have been on a journey of stripping myself bare of all refinements and adornments because I had been wearing them for the wrong reasons.  It was a God journey, and definitely a story for another day (I may share it if you ask).     Another reason that I haven't had any of these 'pretties', as I call them, is because the boys end up using them for treasure or pirate apparel and they get broken.  This particular necklace though, I was very particular and guarded about, because there is a story involved and this one I will share now.

At the conference as I was sharing with the other ladies, God spoke to me about buying something pretty for myself from him.  At first I thought that was a strange request, so I just went to look at what was on offer at the stalls.  I looked at the crosses,that were all bejewelled and they looked overstated and almost garish to me, not something that I would like.  As I walked around I got talking with a lady on the '26 seconds' stand.  This organisation works at getting children and young women out of the sex slave trade in various countries.  Every 26 seconds a new girl is sold to the sex trade, that is how it get's it's name. I looked down and saw all of the beautiful jewellery on her table and she told me that the women make this jewellery to sell and it provides them an income to live.  I LOVED the string of red beads, they were beautiful and understated and shiny.  God said no.  I kept looking and there it was, pastel pink and glittering with a huge glass heart.  "This is yours" he said.  I bought it, and as I walked away, God said "This necklace is a reminder to you that I love you and I am pleased with you, and most importantly it carries the promise that I have placed in your heart.  It will remind you of Sam's new heart, it is coming."  OH, OH, OH how my heart soared the rest of the weekend and still does.

And so back to the busy kitchen.  Jack is holding the necklace in his hand and before I can tell him to put it down... it breaks and I hear the beautiful shiny beads hit the wooden floor each making their own plink, plink, plink, a hundred times over.  And so I just screamed and then I cried.  I literally sat in a corner and cried.  I called out, "Can't I ever have any thing beautiful, just for me!  Is it wrong to want something that makes me feel pretty!"  But more than that it was my gift from Him.  The boys cried too.  Mummy doesn't cry very often, not like this anyway.

As it happens the commotion woke my husband up from his slumber, he held me and told me what I needed to hear.  He cleaned up the mess of beads all over the floor.  I asked him just to throw it all out, just keep the heart.  It was gone.  Like every other pretty thing I had tried to hold onto.

This morning I woke to find this necklace draped over the computer monitor.  Completely restored, each bead in it's place, like it was never broken.  My beloved husband Don, had stayed up after I went to bed and re beaded the whole necklace.  I can't tell you what this did to my heart.  God has used this beautiful man to restore my broken heart and in the same moment restore his promise.

"Yes, Sam's Heart is broken, but it will be restored just like this.  It will not happen immediately but you will be surprised.  What you thought was gone will be made like new.  And you deserve to have pretties because I delight in you. "

And now I am lost for words...

Butterflies

(Sam is not featured in this video)
The butterflies in this film are fear and anxiety.

The tiger is Sam's spirit, courage poured out by the Spirit of God.

We have been here...the sights and sounds bring a lump to my throat...and a tear to my eye.  Just wanted to share so that you can understand a little more where we have been, and why I know where I am going.

Swallowing Sin

This was not an easy post to write.  It was more difficult than most because it speaks of sin and no one wants to hear about sin today.  Sin is seen to be negative and uninspiring, so often talking about it, is swept under the rug along with the truth, in fear of offending somebody. In fact it's unlikely that I will get many comments on this post due to it's message.

Did you know that carrying around sin is toxic?  Carrying around sin is like swallowing a bitter pill.  It spreads throughout your system quickly causing chaos in spirit, soul, and body.

Spirit (Faith, Hope and Love- Our most inner being which connects with God.)
When you are born again, and a child of God, Jesus has freed you from the bondage of sin.  However the choices you make determine how you will live.  Holy Spirit guides you, but if you choose to walk outside His counsel, your hearing will become clouded and your spirit darkened as you move away from light and truth.  People often say 'God can't hear my prayers' or 'I don't hear God's voice'.  Remember back to the last time you did hear him clearly.  Did you do what he asked? If not, you may find that disobedience could be causing the dull hearing.  He hasn't left you but you may have left him.

And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.(Romans 8:2)

But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) (Romans 8:9)

Soul  (Our imagination, memory, reason and emotions)
Our soul is a battleground.  We long to live as Holy Spirit guides us and yet we struggle with the day to day tasks that are put before us.  This is why knowing God's Word is vital.  The truths contained therein are not suggestions, they are essential to you making the right decisions.  Choices that will both honour God and prosper your soul.

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. (1 Peter 2:11)

So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. (Romans 8:6)

But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. (Romans 7:23)

Body (Our soul and spirit's current home)
The body is where all of the telltale signs of sin manifest.  And often is is through the pain our bodies feel that we are alerted to the imbalance within.  The aim is to recognise sin in our soul before it becomes reality in our bodies.  As Paul so aptly puts it " Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.(Romans 12:2)

And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. (Romans 8:10)

When I refused to confess my sin,my body wasted away,and I groaned all day long.(Psalm 32:3)

Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;my health is broken because of my sins.(Psalm 38:3)

Here is an example from my life in the past week:

Diagnosis:
I notice that I have really tense shoulders and the beginnings of a migraine headache. Holy Spirit reminds me that I have been worrying about all of the things I need to do and get done.  I realise that I have been sleeping with tension in my shoulders, not able to sleep because my mind won't rest.  My mind is a part of my soul, which is under a barrage of thoughts that do not originate with God but with my own desire to get the job done.  I have effectively walked away from God and chosen to do things my own way.  The origin of my pain is sin.

Remedy
The remedy is not Asprin alone.  I need to get to the root of the problem, confess my rebellion, spend some time with God, ask for his peace and direction and place everything back in his hands.  I need to control my mind and trust God.

Result
The result is more sleep, relaxed shoulders, a pain free head and a heart full of peace, knowing that I am in the will of God.

All illness is a result of sin, the original sin in the garden of Eden. Before then, there was no illness.  I am not saying that all of the pain and disease in our life is a direct result of our personal sin, Jesus never said that.  In fact when he healed the blind man, he shot that suggestion down in flames. 

What I am suggesting is that we begin to take responsibility for our sin.  Ask God's specific forgiveness and let him cover us with his love and grace.  Not only will it draw us closer to him but it may allow us to walk a life that is less of a slave to sin, and more a life of victory that God intended us to have.

Are you ready to walk in victory?  I know I am

No I can't jump like this.  But you get the idea, right?

Time to Soak

This past week has been a struggle for me.  On the outside I have been falling apart.  I am tired, have headaches and other aches.  The house has been a mess, the kids have been a mess, I have been a mess.  Yesterday I admitted to Don, that although women are meant to be able to multitask, I am not one of them.  I like to do one thing and do it really well.  Otherwise I feel like I am half heartedly doing too many things.  I was one word:

O V E R W H E L M E D

I stayed this way for the afternoon.  I was frustrated with myself, and was having a pity party with only one guest, me.  Parties are no fun on your own and so I went to God's word looking for some sympathy. 

I got none.

Instead I got in trouble.

God reminded me that I was trying to do too much.  My children don't need my input every waking moment.  And most importantly I just needed to sit and soak in his presence.

I liken it to sitting in a hot bath and closing your eyes.  This helps your physical body.  I needed a soaking bath in the Spirit of God.  I needed him to soothe my tired spirit and revitalise my soul.  If your spirit is not right then if affects, your soul (mind, emotions) and that then shows in your body. 
Oh when will I learn to recognise the signs earlier?  When will I learn that if I don't have Daddy/daughter time with my heavenly Dad regularly, this always happens?  I talk with God all day while I work and play but I need time regularly where I just hang out with him.

 Forgive me Father, I've missed you.

Thankfully today God has flooded my heart with living water from the river of life.  I feel refreshed and alive and because of that my head is more clear and my body is not so tired.  Knowing Jesus truly is the only way I can have life and have it in abundance.

Light in the Darkness

Last night I had the most glorious time. I met with people from all over the world and as they shared their problems and needs, we went to Father God together, and brought our petitions before him.  We asked for his love, peace, deliverance, healing, hope and faith among many other things.  We praised the name of Jesus together, and prayers were answered.   I did these things with these people in the privacy of our own office,  well after my bedtime, on our computer.  I discovered a Facebook page last night called Praying For People-by Mark Brown.  If you love to spend time with God and pray for others, you need to go and look at this page.

As we prayed in agreement last night, God's Holy Spirit moved, not just in the lives of others but also in mine. God was showing me that when we pray for others it allows him to release all sorts of healing, blessing and anointing into our lives.  I saw heaven getting busy, because people we praying.  We may have been from each corner of the Earth, but we met in one place and were joined with one heart-seeking the face of God. 

The bible tells us to love one another and to pray and believe with one another.  There are so many people hurting out in the world right now, and the internet is a place where they are searching for some glimmer of hope in the darkness.  Let's show them together that that glimmer is the light of the world - Jesus. The closer you get to Jesus the brighter the light, the darkness has to flee. Let's all draw closer to him and each other and make the darkness run with it's tail between it's legs.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. (1 John 1:5)

Weighing In

For the last six months Sam has put on very little weight.  It seems to be increasingly difficult to get him to eat.  He is just not interested in food, or he will put a small piece of food in his mouth, chew it up and then spit it out.  We offer him milk only after he is offered food and he drinks all of his milk.  We have tried every approach to get him to eat; rewards, distraction, being stern, copying, but he still isn't interested.  He just says "no thanks" and will either just sit there or walk away.  Now, I remember going through a period of time like this for Jack when he was about 2.5, but it didn't go on this long.  I don't give Sam Up'n'Go any longer as he was losing weight drinking them.  Instead I fortify his full cream milk with powdered milk and then add Sustagen, it has more calories.  Now he seems to be at least holding his weight.  He is also a very active little boy and very independent.
I have spoken to a dietician who wants me to weigh Sam over the next two months and if there is no change they will want to try something else.  I know all of the information about making each mouthful count and adding calories via cheese, butter and cream but I can only do this if he will eat.  He is not even eating ice-cream, chocolate or yoghurt!  Is he for real?
God has given me a mother's heart, I am worried.  I am worried because it is not normal for your child to not want to eat and he was eating at least a little before he has this last bout of Tonsillitis.  If you have any suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.

Please pray.  I know God can change this situation around with just a word.  I've seen him do it.  If feel very alone at the moment.  I need some encouragement from the Lord and some of his help.  Only he can provide the help both Sam and I need.

PS.  It has been almost two weeks since Sam has eaten a good amount of food.