This afternoon we received the call from the Mater Hospital to tell us that Sam's catheter and surgery have been postponed for a month, until the 20th March. How do I feel about that? In all honesty a little bit frustrated, sick, weary and guilty.
Frustrated because it means I have told the kids way too early. Because we have to re-organise everything-flights accommodation, family and people helping us out.
Sick and weary because we have to wait yet another month for some finality, for this long and drawn out time to come to an end. Of having the anxiety plague me and because I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun and just relax.
Guilty for being so selfish, to just want it all over and done with. How horrible is it that I want Sam to endure the pain of surgery and upset, just so that we can go on with some sort or 'normal' life? (Inser hysterical laugh here)he just wants to go to Kindy and have fun. Guilty because I see others around us going through much worse and I feel like I have no reason to complain.
If I was to let how I feel consume me, I would be just that-consumed. So instead I repeat:
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Mat 6:33)
I have to believe it. I have to believe Him or else I won't make it. It's simple really it's God's promises to us, that stop me from drinking red wine until I am oblivious. It's God's promises that keep me from eating the IGA out of dark chocolate and it is God's promises that cause me to smile when I should be crying and curled up in a corner. That is all for now.