Anxiety and stress are sneaky and almost undetectable until you are in their grasp. I haven't been sleeping well for the last two weeks and it is beginning to show. It has been warm at nights, and I am sleeping lightly. I wake many times a night and find that I am clenching my jaw then wake with headaches each day. I already have cracked molars that need fixing, due to stress and cannot afford to have them fixed. So I am concerned about doing more damage unintentionally. The tension in my neck and shoulders is unmistakable and food has become bland and un-enjoyable.
It's not like I am laying awake in bed and panicking over Sam's upcoming surgery it is a more sinister and underlying form of anxiety, that seems to be thwarting my attempts at any kind of rest. As I cover Jack's books for school I am worried about how he is going to go in this first term of year one, with so much disruption. I feel like I am not going to be there for him, when he needs me and that I am going to miss out on things because we will be apart.
Last night at about 2.30 as I lay awake the jumble of thoughts that hide in the recesses of my mind throughout the day, come out to play. I think about the catheter and the fact that Sam's previous stroke was triggered by a clot from the scar tissue in his heart. What if the catheter dislodges more such clots? What if the catheter goes wrong and stimulates cardiac arrest? All of these are possibilities.
How long will we have to wait to know if Sam is a candidate for the Fontan? Will he need the additional stents in his lung arteries? What does that mean for his blood thinning meds? I don't want him to be on warfarin forever. These are the thoughts that plague the dark hours of the night for me. And then I pray and try to sleep, flitting between the conscious and somewhere just outside of sleep.
All of this means that I am less the Mum I need to be during the daylight hours. I am short in temper, and not a whole lot of fun, which causes me to feel even more guilty for not enjoying the time I have with my boys now.
It my all seem silly to you, but I need your help. I need you to pray for me before you go to sleep tonight. That I will know peace and sleep in a very intimate way, because as of late we are mere acquaintances.
I know that God hears me call out to Him, I am just weary of the battle and was hoping that someone might add their voice to mine. x