I know I don't use the word very often, but I truly hate and detest Congenital Heart Disease. I hate that disease has gripped our family, and that we live in a fallen world, so far removed from what God first intended for us.
I had to take Sam for a blood test today. It is his first one in over 18 months. And oh how I have enjoyed that 18 months. We have enjoyed them immensely steering clear of all manner of poking and prodding. You see Sam does not much remember what it is like to have a blood test. I do all of his blood monitoring at home with Coagucheck, which only requires a finger prick. His INR has been incredibly stable and so there has been no need for other tests.
So today he trusted me when I told him that he needed to go and have a blood test. That it would hurt for a little while and then it would be gone, yet ...he was not truly prepared for the sting and proceeded to pull his arm back from the needle. So then I had to restrain him. Sit him on my lap and wrap my arms and legs around him and physically hold him while they the nurse took the blood. And he screamed, his face, neck and legs turning all manner of crimson, tears pouring from his eyes, while Jack reminded him to be brave and how they were going to the shop to buy a bow and arrow. The screaming stopped, but not the crying afterward and his aching little arms now bear the bruises that should never have to be. As we left he told the nurse that he forgave her for hurting him and then he snuggled into my shoulder. I had to carry him around from car to shop, from car to shop because it hurts to even lift his arms.
So today both boys have a bow and arrow. Sam because he endures things no three year old should have to, and Jack because he is the best big brother I know. Sam can not use his yet and probably won't for a few days until his arms heal.
I hate CHD because it not only breaks my Sam's heart, it also breaks mine.
How can I ask Sam to endure any more surgery? How can I hand him over to endure more pain? Yes, I hate CHD. And so we hold firm to the only One who I know it strong enough to complelety obliterate it. Jesus needs to be our strength because in essence my heart is more broken that Sam's.