Surgery Day

This morning Sam fasted from 5.30am, in preparation for him to have the Fontan surgery.

We presented to the Day Unit at the Mater hospital at 8am and prepared for a long wait.  We were unsure as to whether Sam would indeed have surgery today, as they were making a space for him and it depended on many factors including bed space.  Like clockwork we watched each of the pieces fall into place.  Paperwork done, observations done, anesthetists and doctors came to chat. They needed more blood from him, but agreed to do it while he was asleep in surgery.  A volunteer even spent all morning with the kids in the waiting room and played with them to keep them occupied before surgery.

At 11.15 we were taken to the preparation room and did the final checks ready for surgery.

At 11.30 Sam and I were escorted to the theater after he said goodbye to Daddy and Jack.  He wanted them to come too, but they could not.

He was happy to see all of the doctors and even happy to sit in on the bed.  he thought the bubble gum smelling gas mask was funny and played with it, until we had to keep it on.  Then he didn't like it and fought hard to get it off.  In the end we had to lightly restrain his arms and legs while tears ran from the corners of his eyes, while my own heart felt like it fell out and the ground swallowed it. 

I kissed his wet little cheek as he drifted off to dream land, let go of his hand and was escorted back to Don and Jack.

The surgery will take 3-4 hours.  We will then be able to go and see him in ICU where he will be at least the next few days.

Even here in this place we have peace.  Peace in the knowledge that God had this day planned down to the second.  Not one detail escapes his notice.  So even though I feel broken that Sam has to endure such a thing, I have tremendous hope that exceeds and overshadows all fear.  Because when I close my eyes I see things differently.

When I take him into surgery....I close my eyes and see him smiling and playing like never before.

When I kiss his wet little cheek..I close my eyes and see him going to Kindy and school and playing with his friends.

When I see him drift off...I close my eyes and I see him in his own bed while I tuck him in snuggly at home.

Yep, hope is what I have, and in God I will trust to do all of this and more than I can imagine.

I Do Not Recommend Running From God

It's a new year, a time of new things. Over the last week God has been speaking to me about how he is doing a new thing in our family.  How we are to hold the past lightly and look to the future, for there is good things to come.  I have a renewed hope in God. For the last few weeks I have been running from Him.  You would think I would learn by now.  I buried myself in reading copious amounts of romance novels, cleaning the house and filling every spare minute of solitude with some form of entertainment to keep my mind busy and my heart disengaged.  Have you ever done that?  It is exhausting! Still Jesus pursued me, waiting quietly by my side, beckoning me to spend some time chatting with him; the ever so patient but incredibly relentless God that He is.

So I gave up running, weary from His pursuit and failing in my own strength to overcome that which threatens to take hold of my heart.  There is actually quite a list of contenders for my heart-fear, insecurity and doubt are all making a play for me, but thankfully I have already given my heart over to God.  And He is relentless in love, refusing to budge at all no matter how much I disregard Him.

So in the stillness of the moment, in the dark of the night while the house sleeps I pray.  I start with words because it's easier that way sometimes. 

'You know I love you God, but I am pretty unsure of you right now.  How can you make us do this whole surgery things again?  You need to step up because I am just not getting this whole plan you have laid out before us.  I am trying to trust you, but it is hard and I know that I can' t do it alone.  I've been trying for a few weeks now and I am a exhausted...Sam is......................Jack needs..............................Don is.....................................I am................................' and on and on I went.

Then His presence rested heavy upon my heart and I feel the lump rise in my throat, the tears sting the backs of my eyes and overflow down my cheeks. Then I have no words, just sobbing and soft groans and the words from heaven that were given to me to pray when I have none.

Time passes and the ache subsides to be replaced by a warmth that spreads from the centre of my belly like living water, washing with it's tide any of the remnants of hurt.  I feel God's peace rest upon me again and I wonder why I ran to begin with.  Why would I run from the only arms that know how to comfort my soul? 

You run because you are still human and that is OK.  There is nowhere you will run, that I will not follow.  But now that I have you back in my arms, let me lead you.  Let me show you the hidden path, that was blinded by fear and doubt. I ask you to do much that is no comfortable, much which causes you pain but there is so much you do not see.  Do you know how you make me smile, to see you endure such things for my glory, so that others may see my love reflected in your lives? Do not fear what is to come, I have it all in hand.  With great trial comes greater blessings. I love you.

In forty days Sam will be heading to the Mater Hospital for his catheter.  Plane tickets have been booked for he and I. A nights accommodation has been booked at Ronald McDonald House for the first night, before he is admitted.  It looks like we are going to have to catch a taxi from the airport with our luggage or the air train, which will be an out of pocket expense.  I am leaving behind Jack who is just beginning grade 1and my husband, who will be working.  He has to, we cannot afford to have us both there.  Rent needs to be paid, bills do not stop coming.  He also has no holidays up his sleeve as he only recently commenced this new job.  For the week that Sam is in hospital for his catheter I will sleep by his bed. And then we will hear the results from the catheter that tell us whether Sam is a candidate for the Fontan operation, the last stage of his three stage open heart operations.  Then a date will be set and we will wait close by until that time.  All the while being separated from our family.  Then Sam will be readmitted and Don and Jack will join us, because frankly we can't go through it without being together as a family (hang the fact that we cannot not afford it and my go into significant debt).  Sam will endure the surgery.  Don and Jack will head home when Sam is healing at a miraculously rapid rate, and Sam and I will follow in time ( I am hoping before Easter). And then we will come home and be a family again and enjoy all of the crazy fun things we like to do.  And then I will feel like this operation that has had us on a leash for the last four years is long gone, and it will no longer dominate our future. 

As most of you know, this blog is my head space.  A place where I can commit what is happening in my heart and head, to type and prayer.  The blog is healing for me, a place where I can share with others what is going on with us, without being a melting pot of tears explaining it all verbally. There have been a couple of times recently when I have considered closing the blog down, but I know now is not the time.  So it looks like you may have to put up with my presence in cyberspace a little longer. xx Nicole

If There Was A God...

How many times have you heard that statement?  I have heard it more times than I can count.  Usually it is in relation to something bad happening.  Today I want to talk about this one...

If there was a God why would he allow Congenital Heart Disease?  I will speak about this because it is close to my heart.  I am not defending God.  He is more than able to look after himself in that regard. 

Recently I read this:

A congenital heart defect is an abnormality in any part of the heart that is present at birth. Heart defects originate in the early weeks of pregnancy when the heart is forming - before a woman even knows she's pregnant.(Heartkids Victoria)

compared to this

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. (Psalm 139:13-16)

So if God knew what was going on in my womb, why did he allow Sam to be born with CHD?  I don't have the full answer but there are two things I know, and these give me absolute peace of heart.

1. We have an enemy on this earth that hates all of human kind with a passion and wants to see us destroyed.  In the fallen earth in which we now live, there is disease,illness,hunger,poverty and death.  But even this will have an end. That is why Jesus died and rose again.

2. God will use even this seemingly bad circumstance in our lives to bring glory to Him, to help us, and to help others.  The time we have here on earth is like a breath of wind in the realm of eternity.  Our bodies were not meant to last forever.  But we have better things to look forward to.

So what I guess I want you to know is that God knows what is going on your life.  He knows because he lives and works outside of time.  He walks with you every step of the way.  He fights for you.  And he has made you a promise that one day, when the curtain rolls back, a new life awaits you.  A life that is free from all manner of disease, illness and death. 

For when we know Jesus, we are made new day by day...until forever comes.  This little boy Sam knows it and so do we.

Bubbling New Beginnings

This week is one of new beginnings for us.

Jack begins school this week for the first time.

Don will be a commercial pilot by the end of the week, once he passes his practical exams.  He begins study at MST (Ministry training) on February 14th.

Sam and I will have time together, as we have never had before.  He will also start Kinder for  a half day next week.

And I...

and I...

and I...

it makes me wonder what I actually did before I had children.  Oh, don't worry I have plenty to do. 

I will have ample time to continue with the writing of my new book.

I look forward to visiting and spending time with more of the families we have met here,

and anything else that God asks me to do.

I am not in a hurry to fill up my spare moments, I am sure God already has plans that I don't know of as yet.  God's diary is often very different to mine-thankfully.

Last year was not an easy one for us.  Though we lived in the place of God's blessing, there was much opposition to what we were doing. There were many times that we questioned God and each other, about our calling to MAF, the work I was doing with Sam's Heart, financial decisions, and the boys schooling.  I have made a choice to leave the past behind us and now I look forward to new things, new blessing, and new things for God. 

Sometimes when you walk with God, He brings you through times of testing, times of trial, times of learning obedience.  Let me explain, this year He asked:

Will you follow me and serve with MAF?

Will you sell your home and use ALL of the money to fund it?

Will you move away from your new friends and family to do it?

Will you trust me to provide for you?

Will you trust me with Sam, knowing that I will work out all of the details?

Will you keep looking to me when the circumstance for success seem doubtful and you even fail?

Will you speak and not be silent about my faithfulness?

Will you trust me to make a way, when there seems to be now way?

Will you trust me in your weakness, to show my power and strength?

We have said yes, to all of this this past year and much more.  And sometimes it looked like we were failing.

We have learned that when it looks like you are failing on the outside, it is time to dig your heels in and press forward. 

DO NOT STOP!

KEEP YOUR EYES ON GOD AND KEEP MOVING ON.

When God pours out his blessing, do not bottle up what you have inside of you, in the fear that you may run empty.  As you receive, give it away to whoever you meet, knowing that God will sustain and fill your cup to overflowing.

Keep trusting, keep believing, keep hoping, loving and having faith.  God will do the rest.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” (John 4:13-14)

Can you hear me bubbling?  You can't buy this living water, but it is yours for the taking... if you know Jesus.

I Want To Run!

Do you remember when you were able to run fast, when you could feel your heart pump and your hair fly back?

I must admit is has been about 10 years since I have been able to run for any great length of time.  I am not at what you would call the peak of fitness.

However I am not here to post about fitness.

I want to run because I can.  

The only thing stopping me from running is my own lack of desire.  However lately my desire has been rekindled.

I watch Sam run for but a few steps before his heart tells him it is time to stop.  His breath comes in short sharp gasps as he reaches his threshold for endurance.  I walk to the shops with him and by the time we get from the car to the shops he is breathing heavy, and asks to be carried.  When he jumps on the trampoline, he bounces with great enthusiasm, only to tell me 30 seconds later , 'I'm puffed out'.  I watch him chase and try to keep up with the other kids, until he slows and begins to walk, meandering off to the side to find something else to do. 

But let me tell you something he does not do...

He never gives up.  He never steps trying because it seems to hard.  He strives and he tries and he smiles while he does it.

Watching him ignites a fire in my belly.

I have a healthy heart.  I have strong legs, and good joints.  I give up because my heart beats fast, and I know parts of me wobble that shouldn't.  How dare I not run, when my son cannot!  How dare I be to lazy to enjoy my blessings, when he prays with every fiber of his being he could run.

Well no longer, I tell you. 

I will not waste what I have been given.  I am going to run again, and when I do, I am going to push Sam with me, and we are going to go FAST, REALLY FAST!  And he is going to feel the breeze in his hair and his heart pound with excitement, instead of exhaustion.

We are both going to win, because I will not let his little heart and my reluctance hold us back. 

May God grant me the strength and persistence I need to see it through.

Do you want to join me?  We can encourage each other.

Jumping Hoops

Saul, seethed, anger seemed to exude from every part of his body.  The followers of Jesus seemed to be growing by the day, despite him hunting them down like dogs.  He had been dragging them before the Sanhedrin and there were few stones left unturned in Jerusalem.  Why were they so intent on following some dead prophet! 
He had now gained permission from the Sanhedrin to travel to outlying towns, to further squash the rebellion and bring the followers of Jesus to account. 
Travelling the road to Damascus, the thoughts continued to irritate his soul.  He had thought once Jesus was dead, his followers would just disperse as they always had. Instead they seemed to surge like a growing flood. 

'Well not for much longer if I have my way'.

Little did he know, his world was about to be shaken to it's core.

...so begins the story of one of God's most memorable and recorded followers, the man called Paul.

I often wonder what the early followers of Jesus would think of the church if they were able to talk to us now.  The church has become too much like the world around us.  Instead of being set apart and different to what the world around us would have us be, be have gradually and sadly become a mere shadow of what we are destined to become.

The Kingdom of God, is one of faith and power, both of which have been stripped  from the church with such seduction, that we have relished in the experience.  We are too comfortable in our safe and unchallenged version of the gospel and have put on new robes to fit better into the age in which we now find ourselves. 

Since we have begun our journey to serve God in missions, I have been constantly challenged by the many hoops that we have had to jump through in order to prove ourselves worthy of service.  It has taken vast amounts of money, numerous interviews, applications, pshcye tests, medicals upon medicals, training and testing, all to bring us to a point of asking 'What does Jesus think?'  I doubt that Paul would ever have made it through the psyche evaluation, to serve in missions today.    It saddens me to think that someone who is called by God to serve in this way, might be turned away because they do not have the funds, medical approval or worldly aptitude to be up to the task. God does not look to the outer man, but looks deep down into your heart.  He sees your faithfulness and your obedience and He is uses this for His glory. He is not as interested in what percentage you got on your latest exam and if your left eye is marginally stronger than your right, whether you are a fisherman or a tax collector.   I cannot believe that he is happy with the way the world has overcome the church, and emasculated it of it's freedom in Christ, and power through faith. It is God who transforms and prepares, not man made and man led organisations.

I wonder if the church in Australia and around the world was not so bound by it's love of the world and it's ways, would we see the Kingdom of God come on the earth?  Would we see the captives set free because they see a different way to live, the only way to live? 

I don't know where our journey with missions will end up, but I do know that God has called us to serve; this is unmistakable.  The desire burns in my spirit like hot coals aflame with fire.  Don and I both feel the urgency.  God's desire to see His church do His will, will prevail.  God always keeps His word, He is not a man that He should lie.  The scripture below has been resonating in my heart today, as my frustrations grew.  The words were like honey to my soul.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.(1 Corintians:27)

Please pray for us, that God would make the paths straight and that His will for us to serve him in this way will prevail.  We feel the resistance, but step forward each day in faith knowing who fights for us.

This post is not a reflection of any particular missions organisation but a general observation made over many years.  It is not written to offend, but as a reflection.

Servant Heart, Servant Hands

The word servant is not very well liked in our society.  It implies that you are subservient to someone else.  The title implies you are weak and unable to know your own mind.  That you are bound to another and have no freedom. 

Being a servant of Christ is very different to the world's negative portrayal of the life.

Bound to God
We are grafted into God's own family when you know Jesus.  When we believe in Jesus we are a new creation, we are bound by the Holy Spirit and are one in Christ.  Being a servant of Christ is all about freedom.  Freedom from death, freedom of heart, freedom of mind that is found in the truth.

Called to love each other
We are called as servants of Christ to love one another,with abounding love that can only come from God himself. If we try to love in our own strength, we will soon fall flat.  Only God's love can change lives, encourage and lift others up.  We are called to serve our brothers and sisters in Christ.

but more than that...

We are called to love those who hate us, who harm us, turn their backs on us, talk about us behind our backs, and disregard us for our faith. This kind of love is impossible unless you know God.  Only God can give you this love that flies in the face of all this world teaches, and tears down the barriers that harbour hate and unforgiveness. 

Free To Love God
We are servants to God, and it delights me to shout it from the rooftops.  The relationship between God and his people that was destroyed in the Garden of Eden, is now restored in even greater measure.  We are free to love our God.

I am well aware of how others view my faith in God.  Many believe that God is a crutch that the weak need to get through life, that He is a 'fairytale' that helps me get through the hard times.   I am aware that they scoff at God and my faith in Him.  It matters not.

I am not here to change the hearts and minds of those that pass my way.  I am here to be a servant to the One who has given me life eternal and live in His ways, so that a glimmer of His light may be seen in a world that grows increasingly full of ourselves, our wants and needs.  That Christ may be seen, His desire to love unconditionally, to save, to heal, to embrace, as the only true alternative to a life of uncertainty.  For God is the only constant in the world in which we live.  All else may pass away, but His kingdom will endure forever.

Come daughter, lay your life down and do not take it up again.  Rise  and serve those around you in love.  Live in truth and blessing.  Live one day at a time, looking only to me.  I am searching the hearts of my people looking for servants hearts and hands, that will follow my leading.  When you love the unlovable all of Heaven shouts with joy.  It is in love that our victory is complete. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Cor 13:4-7)

Where will our world. communities, and families end up if we don't show love? 

When Jesus saw the crowds, he had compassion on them...(Mt 9:36)

This post was inspired by reading  the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers, very powerful and thought provoking fiction.

Mary and Me

I have read a book this week that has challenged me and encouraged me in so many ways.  The book is 5 novellas in the one book, all about different women of the bible.  The one that greatly spoke to me was about Mary, the mother of Jesus. 

Mary was given a great honour, but with that great honour came a life of unimaginable faith.  Mary was given a great promise from God.

“Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus.  He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David.  And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!”(Luke 1:29-33)

Mary was given a  choice, to agree to God's great plan or to remain in unbelief.

I too was given a great honour by God in bearing my children.  No, they are not Jesus, but I will train them up in His way.  I too was given a choice.  Do I choose life for Sam or do I choose not to believe, and go my own way. I too was asked to believe God's promise for Sam

'Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will tell the nations of my healing power.'

Mary remained faithful to God even when it meant she would be rejected. Mary was scorned by those she loved, and the community around her, even some who were close to her for believing in God's promise to her.  They did not believe that she had been visited by an angel and carried the Son of God.

I too was condemned by those that thought Sam's life would count as naught.  That it would have been more merciful and less painful to let him die.

During her pregnancy and after Jesus birth Mary was miraculously protected by God and covered by His favour, because she lived in faith and blessing.

I too have seen and tasted of God's saving power and desire to live in the shadow of the Almighty.  There is no life outside of Him.

Mary watched in awe as Jesus taught those around Him about the Kingdom of God, from a young age.

I too marvel at how much God speaks to and reveals to my children.

Mary had to let her son go and do His Father's work. 

We too are called to surrender our children to God and He will guide all of their ways. 

Mary had to endure watching those around her mock and ridicule Jesus for His life and His ways.  She too was mocked and cast aside for her unwavering faith in God's promises.

I too have watched as friends and family have pulled away, as they try to comprehend with their minds the truth of God's promises.  God's promises are not discerned with the mind, they are understood by the heart. I know the words which they speak, but choose to believe God's promise for Sam.

Mary looked on as Jesus suffered and was killed, still not understanding the magnitude of God's unfolding plan.

I too must trust that despite Sam's surgeries and procedures that God's plan is perfect and that all things work together for the good of those that love Him.

Mary grieved for the pain she saw her Son endure, but also for the apparent dissolution of God's promise to her, as she witnessed Jesus die.

I too have grieved that the time of God's promise has passed.  My heart breaks, and then I am reminded that He works outside of time.

Mary's entire being rejoiced when she saw God's promise fulfilled and Jesus rose to save all men. She saw the fruit of God's plan and she praised God for His faithfulness.  There is no way she could have known that 2000 years on that he would still be drawing hearts to himself, giving eternal life to all who seek Him. 

I too will see the fruit of God's promises in our lives, not only for Sam but for all of our family.  God is faithful, I say this with all assurance. 

Yes when I get to meet Mary face to face and our eyes meet, I will smile with her and rejoice with her as we celebrate what God has done, from the heart of one blessed mother to another.

The book that I have recently read is called A Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers

The Land of Promise

It's time to live in the Promised Land.

Lemon and Lime, Hold the Bitters

The last few weeks have been monumental.  Don has been continually studying/cramming for the last 7 weeks.  He passed two exams only to fail the third.  The boys and I have been to Qld, where I attended the Word Writers Conference in Brisbane and then had a few days holiday with family.  Since we have arrived home we have been very busy, and the boys and I have had a head/cold/fever.To top it off Centrelink called yesterday to inform us that they were decreasing our payments as they had made a mistake with their calculations. Oh dear.  I am sure that you have days like this, sometimes weeks even, where everything just seems to go pear-shaped.

The world suddenly becomes much to big for it's boots and you feel like you are about to be buried under a pile of rubble. 

Do not despair, God is there.

He has not gone somewhere just because things are not going swimmingly in your life, in fact if anything he is closer than the air your breathe.

Do not allow bitterness to settle in your heart, but let yourself be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom 12:2)

Do not compare yourself and your situation to others around you.  Each of us is on our own unique journey, and though we may encourage and uplift one another, comparing will do you no favours.  People will always be better off than you, people will always be worse off than you.  Your problems are as significant as the next persons and your troubles will not overcome you, if you give them over to God in prayer.

God can take what is broken in your life and turn it around for your good.

Harbouring self pity and bitterness in your heart bind God's ability to help you.  He will not force you to choose him.  He has always given us free will. 

I am not rebuking you today, I am reminding myself and sharing with you in the process.  I will not pretend to be more than I am.  I would be nothing but for the mercy of God.

We know many families going through life changing circumstances and unimaginable heartaches, we know people that are struggling to pay bills, have ongoing depression, some who are watching their kids struggle daily with their health, and some who have lost them this side of heaven.  But I will not take on their burdens or they will crush me.  Only Jesus was designed to carry the weight of the burden of sin.  He did it all on the cross for us so that we would not have to crushed under the weight.  I warn you, as I warn myself, do not harbour disappointment, anger, resentment and offence in your heart.

I will cry with them, I will laugh with them in victory, I will carry them to God in prayer.

'Father God refresh my mind and heal the wound left by bitterness in my heart.  Forgive me.  I love you.  I wait for your joy in the morning.'

Faith, Flying and TV

Yesterday I was offered the opportunity to fly to the Sydney Foxtel Studios, and pre-record an interview for 'Wesley Impact!'  I was so excited, to be asked to do such thing.  As you would know by reading my previous post, it was also an answer to a dream that the God had given me.

For those who have been following, you would know that we had Sam's appointment the day before, and once again God brought me to a place where I was empty of myself.  Any control that I believed I had over Sam's future, or ours, was once again erased.  All I had left after that day, was my hope.  And this is my hope:

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.(Heb 6:18-19, emphasis added)

Hope is not some intangible thing, something that we can possess. Hope has a name, His name is Jesus. 

So yesterday morning I arose to find that the previous day's nausea, had now emerged into a nasty gastro bug.  What would you have done I wonder, knowing that you have to travel in a car, aeroplane and taxi, to a place far from home, and the safety of your own lavatory? I made a choice to believe God's word, over the circumstances I found myself in.  So armed with his promise and a box of Gastro Stop, I drove the hour to the airport and boarded the plane to Sydney.  By God's amazing grace, I made it to the studios with my dignity.  He is so merciful!

The staff at the studios was amazing.  They were so understanding and prayed with me, and brought me to a room to relax.  It was here that I met a man who was sent by God.  He was also being interviewed that day and was a chaplain and worker with the homeless.  He proceeded to tell me that a homeless couple that he is working with are due to have their first baby and would be born with HLHS, the same condition as Sam's.  Oh, there is no coincidence, only God incidence! I was able to give him a copy of our story and encourage him in the amazing things that God can do.

I was given a good dose of make-up by a lovely make-up artist, who has worked on many different TV shows throughout the years, including Better Homes and Gardens, and Water Rats.  This helped to mask my somewhat less than glowing complexion on the day.

And finally the victory came, and I got to share with  Rev. Keith Garner, and soon whoever else may watch, the faithfulness of our God in every season.

I also had the privilege to share with both of my taxi drivers, and they also told me some of their stories.  I got to pray for one of them, and he was most encouraged when we parted.  He did not know God, but I could hear God calling Him. 

Late in the afternoon I flew home again, and though I was very weak in body, my spirit was at peace.  I had not been able to eat throughout the day, but God had sustained me and filled me with all that I needed to succeed in what He had called me to do.

That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Cor 12:10)

Because I know He filled me and sustained me yesterday, I know that the hearts this program touches will not be because of anything I am.  But instead they will see all that He is, and for that I am thankful.

Thank you for your prayers over the recent days.  I am still recovering from this illness, but it will not remain long.  I bless you all in the name of Jesus.  I can do all things because He is my anchor.

This program will go to air on Mother's Day 2012.  You can read more about Wesley Impact here.

Faith in Action

We are in the process of completing the MAF application papers.  It is an extensive process which includes medicals, psychological profiling, a CV, as well as large application document, in which we need to provide an autobiography of our life to date.  We are enjoying most of it.  I completed part of the psychological testing yesterday, and Don will complete it in two weeks time.  It's quite interesting, and tells you more about yourself while you do it.  Or maybe I am just weird, and like this sort of thing.

There is one thing that I have been dealing with in the back of my mind all week.  It is something that I need to ask you to stand with me in faith for. 

On the medical forms there is a declaration that the doctor needs to sign.  The declarations states that we may be asked to serve in areas that have high heat, humidity, a lack of immediate access to medical care, as well as social and physical challenges.

Do you see my concern?  No doctor in his right mind would sign a declaration saying that these conditions would be OK for Sam.  I am not worried about these things as I know God will look after Sam, and always has.  My concern lies with the fact that our acceptance to MAF may be hinged on this medical report.  I know that God has called us to serve MAF, it is undeniable.  And so each day we are stepping out in obedience, knowing full well that in the world's eyes it looks foolish and folly.  That if we were to look at the hand we have been dealt, we would throw it in.  Yet, we have been asked by God to keep our eyes firmly fixed on him, and not at our situation.  We have watched in in the last few months as CASA has continually tried to deny Don a medical certificate, only to watch him pass test after test with no problem.  Why should we believe that Sam will be any different?  Surely if God has called us, he has a place that is handpicked by him, ready for us to serve. 

It is a battle for me, because as I fill in the forms I am painfully aware that my little boy's body is not the same as everyone else, that his limitations are more pronounced.  And yet, time after time, as we have his check ups we see his heart function is tremendous, and improving. 

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. (Luke 9:23)

Turn from your selfish ways...
If I am to follow God in his leading, I must turn from my own thoughts, my own doubts,  and my own circumstances.  This means letting go of the worry and standing firm, even when the enemy whispers to me that it is a joke to even complete the papers.   

take up your cross...

The cross is represtative of our identiy and salvation in Christ Jesus.   I must live as Chrsit has asked us to and in the knowledge that I live in the Kingdom.  I must dare to be different and walk in the new life I have been given daily. This is what what it means to pick up your cross. 

and follow me...

Only Jesus can hold my gaze.  If I rest my eyes, even for a second on the what lays before me, I will be undone.  The amazing story that we were told on Sunday at church, was of the eagle and how it is the only bird designed with special glands in it's eyes so it can look directly at the sun.  All of the pesky birds that try to attack the eagle are undone when the eagle powers upward toward the sun.  One by one they all drop away becuase they are not designed the same as the eagle.  
I need to be just like this eagle.  I need to keep powering upward toward the sun, and as I do all of these things will drop away. 

Living in God's Kingdom is not easy, but it is rewarding.  Will you stand in faith with me? Will you pray with me and encourage me with some scripture? 

When Your Children Suffer He Knows

Do you see how our children suffer Lord?

Do you see the pain in his eyes, and the fear that grips him, when he sees yet another syringe?

Do you see the look of absolute helplessness in his eyes, as I plead with him to sit still just for a moment and the pain will be gone soon?

Do you hear his laboured breathing, his eyes pleading with me to help him, just get one more breath?


Do you see my heart ache when I cannot help him?

Do you see him longing to run with the other kids, and not grow weary?

Can you feel the painful lump in my throat, and the tears stinging the back of my eyes, as I try to be strong for his sake?

Do you hear me, when I want to scream, but I don't because I am in the middle of a crowded place, so every fiber of my being shakes with distress and anger?

Yes, I see how MY children suffer.

Do you see the courage in your son's eyes, even when he has to endure another procedure?

Do you see the trust in him, when he resigns to let the doctors touch him, even when every part of him wants to get up and run?

Do you see me standing and holding his other hand, while his breathing labours and your heart breaks?

Do you see him content in himself even with his physical limitations, and how he draws the attention of the others in a room with his endearing and steadfast spirit?

Do you feel my heart break along with yours?  Do you feel my arms around you, strengthening you in every situation?

Do you hear me when I whisper quiet words to your heart in the midst of your anger, and how my unconditional love melts away every argument you bring?

Yes Lord, I know all of these things.

Take the fear of the future from me Lord, I cannot handle the thought of any more pain.  You have promised his healing, and so to you I turn my eyes and, in You I choose to place my hope. 

If someone you love is suffering, Jesus knows and you are not alone.

PS.  Sam and the rest of our family are well. I just wanted to share this discussion that I had with God today, to encourage anyone else who may face an ongoing battle.   Even on days when the physical pain is not so present, my heart aches at times, looking at the path we are walking.  Thankfully, Jesus knows, he suffered in my place, and is more than equipped to handle my feelings.  He waits to hear yours as well.

Measuring Success

By which measure do you gauge the success of your day?

I know I often feel successful if I get much done in a day.  In my mind I think:

If I could just get the washing done, I would be happy
If I could just get the floors clean, I would be happy.
If I could just get some 'me' time, I would be happy.
If I could just sit down and write, I would be happy.

Happy meaning in this instance, that me completing these tasks, would make for a  a productive and successful day.

After weeks like this last one, God has once again realigned my compass, in regard to being successful.  If I had been using my compass this week, I would have fast ended up in a little town called Despair.  Both of the boys have been very unwell, almost to the point of requiring hospital.  I have had the flu, and Don has been away flying for the week.

Thankfully I chose to close my eyes to my compass, and instead went to God's word for direction.  His promises are steadfast and true, and lead to much more desirable destinations, such as Hope City, and Kickingsatansbuttville. 

You see, God knew this week was coming, and he allowed it. He saw that I was getting worn out trying to tread water, using my own compass as a guide.  He knew I needed a slap reminder, to refocus my loving gaze upon Him.  And he did not leave me in this time.  He prepared the week by sending my parents from QLD, organised a month ago, to help me, and love me in this time.  He knows what we need and he provides.  He did not allow the illnesses to linger.  I only had the flu two days!  Yes, two days! And both of the boys drank and ate despite their wretched gastro virus, that lasted almost a week.  Being continually hydrated is what kept them out of hospital.

We have had many unexpected gestures of kindness this week, phone calls, messages, a plethroa of prayers all being sent our way.  We have experienced God this week, in a warm and familiar way, the way that let's us know that He holds us firm, even in tough times. 

The end of this week took us to Melbourne City, a place we have not set foot in, since Sam had his surgeries.  This Friday Sam will turn 3, another year of victory, another year of living the promises of God. We visited the Victoria Markets and I shared with people at Koorong in the City, our story of God's goodness. 

 Jack (2), just before Sam was born, September 2008 at the Queen Victoria Markets.

Jack (5), Sam (almost 3) and Grandad, at the Queen Victoria Markets almost three years later, to the day.

Each year since Sam's birth he has had dramatic circumstances surrounding his birthday.  God has a plan for his life, and the enemy does not like it.  A week after his birth day he crashed in ICU post surgery.  A week after his first birthday he suffered a stroke, from which he was almost immediately restored.  On his second birthday he had an accident that required a helicopter ride to the hospital.  Each year we celebrate Sam's life in victory, the attack comes.  So I would like to ask you for your prayers, prayers of protection and courage, both for Sam and for us. We will not keep quiet about God's goodness to us.  When I look at photos like that above, and see the distance traveled, all it does is increase my faith.  It increases my faith in the unwavering love of God, that overcomes all adversity. 

So, going back to measuring success, God's words ring true in my heart;

'Success is not measured by earthly measures, but by My standards which are far more accurate, with the results being eternal.  On your darkest day, you are successful, because as you become less, I become more.  When illness and turmoil surround you, I see your heart and it shines like the noonday sun.   Your few words in anguish, are worth more to me than hundreds of voices in jubilant song.' 

Success is life lived in the palm of God's hand.

Renewed

For everyone will be tested with fire. (Mark 9:49, emphasis added)

None of us like the thought of walking through fire.  It does not seem logical that we would enjoy something that threatens to consume our very being.   From a young age we are taught to be wary of fire, to steer clear of it, and enjoy it's warmth from a distance. However being in the midst of it is far from enjoyable.  When my husband burned his finger many years ago, he said it was one of the most painful experiences he had ever endured.  A burn also takes a great length of time to heal, and in doing so still leaves a scar.

The above verses may initially may seem threatening, but are in actual fact a promise that we would do well to lay hold of.  

Everyone is going through a refining fire sooner or later, but you'll be well preserved from the eternal flames. (Mark 9:49 -The Message)

God does not allow the trials and tribulation in our lives to consume us.  He uses times of testing to refine us, to bring us into closer relationship with Him. 

A year before our youngest son Sam was born, God gave me a vision in the night, of our family walking through liquid fire, and being preserved in the midst of it.  We were spent, but preserved. 

In this way God controls the ferocity of the fire, much like a controlled burn of the woodland.

Controlled burning:
Fire is a natural part of both forest and grassland ecology and controlled fire can be a tool for foresters.
Controlled burning stimulates the germination of some desirable forest trees, thus renewing the forest. (Source)


Just as in the forest, fire cleans out the debris in the underbrush, and prepares us for new growth.  It stimulates all of the seeds (truths), that God has been hiding in our hearts, and as they emerge the charred black remains begin to flourish, with vibrant green shoots, which stand in stark contrast to the barren wilderness.
These spiritual changes are what others see, when we emerge from times of hardship.  Outwardly, we seem to have been worn beyond recognition, overcome by past circumstances, and a shadow of our former selves. Then suddenly vibrant new growth appears, and transfixes those that thought we had succumbed to the fire.   I for one am thankful for the times of fire in our life.

(Picture source)

What appears in the charred ashes, is the most breathtaking new growth you will ever see, this side of heaven.

Awesome News!

Today was crunch time for us.  We have moved interstate knowing Don has been called by God to do the flying course to serve with MAF.  He has been training, and we have been paying the large bills that come with it.  All of this time waiting for CASA to approve Don's medical.  They found an anomaly on one of his ECG readings, and this caused a number of appointments with doctors and a cardiologist.  Today he went to the cardiologist for his final check - a stress test.  And....

There is nothing wrong with his heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had a quiet assurance, but still the cloud lingered over our shoulders for the last 5 weeks.  Now the cloud has lifted, and shortly he will be approved to fly solo.  Praise God for his faithfulness.
Many times over the last weeks the doubts have come, especially when I am about to pay another huge flying bill. 'What if this doesn't work out?'.  And each time I would answer back, 'It will be well, God has promised, his word always comes to pass.' And then I would pay the bill.  Faith is lived out in actions.

 Don's a happy camper in the Cessna

 Sam, calling in his position.

 Jack, climbing the tree.

 Sam helping Daddy mow the footpath.

Just Like Daddy Does

Sam has fallen head over heels in love with aeroplanes and is now following in his Dad's footsteps to become a missions pilot. Every time a plane flies overhead (very often) he shout and says 'Daddy's plane.  Plane, can you see it Mum!'.  He tells everyone we meet down the street that 'Daddy is at work at the airport.' and the photos below show how we have been spending our days at home.

 

Preparing his tools.

 Making minor adjustments to the tail wheel before take off.

 

All kitted up and ready to go.  'See you later Mum, gonna go fly my big airplane now, bye, bye, bye!'

It's moments like this that I sit back and marvel at what God does in the heart of his children.  Sam has had so many struggles. We pray, believe, and live for his restoration and healing.  All the while God shows glimpses of what he has in store for Sam.  He has a plan, dreams he is building in his heart.  I can tell you his physical heart may not be perfect in the eyes of many, but he has more soul heart than most.  So much has been revealed to me about the importance of the human struggle here on earth, and what God can accomplish in our lives if we will just trust him.  And I am prepared to look foolish in the eyes of some, to trust in my God, dream big, and trust him entirely for the details. 

People look at Sam and see a little boy with an incomplete heart.

God looks at Sam and sees a little boy with a piece of his own heart.

One Month On

Well God has turned on the weather in the last few weeks, and we are delighted!  We have had warm days and cool nights, just like back in Pittsworth.  All of the locals here tell me that this weather is extremely extraordinary, and it is about 7 degrees above average.  Sounds like better than average to me!  Jack began Kindy on Monday, and is LOVING it, and I delight in seeing him so happy and settled. 

Don has been busy dong NAVS in controlled airspace, and flew into Essendon this week, first on SIM and then for real.  He is developing much more confidence in this area, which is great to see, because he is very hard on himself, which is both a blessing and a curse.  He is also studying Air Law, for which he will do the exam next week. CASA is still causing headaches for Don's medical, and have upheld their decision that he must go and get clearance from a cardiologist.  So Don is booked in on Thursday morning to go and do this, to silence them once and for all.  Please pray for breakthrough in this area.
I have been very busy orangising our new home life and looking after the boys (that takes up most of my day).  I have also been selling some of our un-needed goods on eBay, in preparation for our future.   The book promotion schedule has been organised between now and Christmas, so that will be full steam ahead soon.  I have an interview with Signs of the Times Magazine tonight, over the phone.  Then in the next few weeks I have a couple of radio opportunities with local Christian, and regular broadcasters.  I will keep you posted about those, as they can be listened to online.  Praise God that in the first month of sales Sam's Heart sold around 600 copies.  So people must be reading our story, which is awesome to hear! Promotion is great, but it is word of mouth that will get our story heard.  So make sure you keep sharing it with your friends.
Our days are pretty long and packed to the brim, but we are beginning to find our feet here.
Keep your eyes open when checking your inbox this week for the first edition of our newsletter.  If you are not on our mailing list, and would like to be, drop me an email (address in the sidebar), and I will pop you on.
 
I want to take this moment to tell you how much we appreciate, and love each one of you that love us, pray for us, support us and walk with us.  That's what this journey is about -relationship with Jesus, and for Jesus.  Mission is not just about helping people in a far off  lands, but affects every heart involved in the process.  Yes we are going to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but I can tell you that you travel with us in Spirit every step of the way, and it means more to us than you can imagine.

The Substance of Faith

What is faith?  It is the very nature of God.  Faith is the Word of God.  It is the personal inward flow of divine favour, which moves in every fiber of our being until our whole nature is so quickened that we live by faith, we move by faith, and we are going to be caught up into glory by faith!  Faith is the glorious knowledge of a personal presence within you, changing you you from strength to strength, from glory to glory, until you get to the place where you walk with God, and God think and speaks through you by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Oh, it is grand! Oh, it is glorious! (Smith Wigglesworth, taken from the Smith Wigglesworth Devotional 1999)

Today I am so thankful for the gift of faith; God living in me, changing me day by day to be more like Jesus.  When I look back at my walk in faith, I can see from where I have come.  It is not like that at the present, we are often unable to see how present circumstances in our lives are of any benefit to us, or God.  But we must trust that He knows.  And it is the eternity to come, that we will stand holding hands with Jesus, and look back at how His hand was upon us in every season.
He speaks to my heart today, and whispers so much love, so much encouragement:

'Keep going my love, one step in front of the other, my presence will change not only you, but also the hearts of others.  It's all about faith, it's all about trust, and I know your heart. '

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`♥ Nicole

A Heartfelt Response

In response to a beautiful woman who reads my blog, this post has been inspired. This is for you N xx

It was God who led me to the decision to home school Jack, and then it was God who led me to the decision to enroll Jack in school. 

I think that we put too much pressure on ourselves to have to provide the best we can for our children.  We set impossibly high standards for our selves and all the while God is calling-'give them back to me'.  When God asked me to home school Jack we lived two hundred meters from the local primary school; I was perplexed, but He was very persistent.  Looking back now I can see it was best, because we were going to be moving mid year and this was better for his personality and character.  We were going to have enough change in our life, and God knew what was coming.  There was no way I could have known what this year held for us as a family-but God does. 

As we moved down here to start a new chapter together, God started speaking to me about sending Jack to primary school.  I was confused at first, because of my on ideas.  I had the idea in my head, that you either sent your children to school, or you were a home schooling family.  God has different ideas.  And thankfully His ways are well above my own. I have learned not to argue with God, as I can't see our future.  As far as I know, we are going to be spending the next 18 months here in Yarra Glen.  I don't know what God has in store for us while we are here.  Perhaps I will be too busy doing other things for God.  Perhaps there is something that he wants each of us to learn through this time.  Perhaps he wants Sam and I to have some mummy and son time.  Perhaps God wants me to focus on writing for Him.  I am still seeking Him each day about his plans for us.

I think Jack's school decisions are a reflection of our everyday walk with God.  He is the first One and the last One that I go to for advice.  I read His word daily, and as I do He speaks to me.  As I wash the dishes, He whispers words into my heart.  He confirms what he speaks, by opening doors, and sending people, and providing tokens of affirmation, just at the right time.  Living in the way of His Spirit, is something that I still learn, but something I cannot do without.  God has given us a unique path, one fraught with many perilous, and challenging obstacles.  He alone holds the map, and so I find my help and my contentment in Him, in ALL things.

If you are looking for an answer, if you are carrying a burden, remember that He ALONE holds the map to your future.  It is a plan full of adventure, mercy and love.  Let him navigate you daily (more frequently if needed) so that his perfect will may be seen in your life.  I leave you with this brilliant passage from the pen of Smith Wigglesworth (a word that God gave me just for this post):

'Are you ready to be so in God's plan that you will feel God's hand upon you?  You will know that He has chosen you, so you might be a firstfruit unto God.  Are you ready for the Lord to have His choice, so that His will may sweep though your very nature, and so that you may know as you have never known before this day of the visitation between you and him?'

O Yeah, Lord, we are ready!