Day Three-Post Fontan

Last night we had a relatively trouble free night, until the early morning.  One of Sam's pleural drain collection bulbs became dislodged and there was concern that air may have entered his body through the tubes.  Thankfully the tubes have a one way valve that worked effectively and after a chest x-ray, he was cleared of all concern.

Because of a very early chest x-ray at 4am it was a very long morning of physio.  It is especially bad for him first thing in the morning and is really painful. As the day progressed, he was able to to walk very slowly, trailing with drains and wires without continually crying out in pain.  We all know that he needs to do the physio to get better but trying to explain to Sam that he needs to move through the pain, is very difficult.  Today after his longest walk while he was perspiring with pain and his legs were shaking, he begged me to carry him, and I had to tell him that I couldn't but I would help him walk. Tough times for a Mum's heart. Don has been here with me all day today as well as Jack was visiting with family. The walking needs to increase each day while the pain medications decrease, so please pray that he will be spared the sharp stabbing pains from the drains.

Sam's appetite returned somewhat today and cheese sticks, baked beans and part of a chicken sandwich were his choices.  This all means he will have more energy to recover and heal.

There are some tremendously tough cases with us right now in the close observation room and the level of anxiety in some of the patients is very high, which affects us all. Rest can also be elusive. He has had a super nurse today which has made all of this much more bearable. We are praying that we will soon be in a regular ward room so we can sleep beside Sam and he will get more rest.

We have had some visitors, though Sam has not been very responsive to them we have appreciated them so much.  In the next few days we look forward to seeing more of our little boy's spunky personality return.

This afternoon, Sam gave me the best reward I could have ever wanted for Easter...

His happy little smile.

Happy Easter friends.  I can tell you that being here this Easter brings great clarity to what Jesus has done for us all. It's simple really, where He is there is life and He paid the price so we could have it. Here in hospital where we see so many little lives hanging in the balance, the message has never been more clear... more simple...so beautiful.

Doctors Update

Sam's fevers have gone.

He is brighter this afternoon.

And so am I after a little nap.

His GP has diagnosed that in addition to his school sore he also has a throat infection.  Praise God it's not something worse!

Sam will stay on low dose antibiotics up until he has his cardiac catheter.

I have called the hospital to let them know and they are going to get back to me early next week to make sure that plan is OK. 

I pray that is it.

There is nothing else I can do.

It is all in God's hands thankfully.

Outside I am calm, inside I feel like I am running a marathon.

Outside I am quiet and thoughtful, inside I am imploding.

You know that feeling of when you close your eyes lay down and it feels like the house is shaking.

Time to be still and know that He is God.

No more!

So, I am tired.  Really, really tired of fighting.

The emotional battles, the physical battles, the spiritual battles are overwhelming.

Here we are 12 days away from Sam having his cardiac catheter. We fly out in 9 days.  It has already been postponed once before and Sam has another infection that will prevent him from having the procedure once again if it does not heal up quickly.

For just over a week Sam has a school sore in his nose that has stubbornly not healed with Quartizone and Bactroban.  On Monday after noting that it was not healing I filled the script for antibiotics and started those.  On Tuesday the fevers started and have not stopped until this morning. He has also complained of sore legs and I am hoping that is just because he is so tired. I am hoping that this is a sign that the infection is losing it's grip and I am praying that there is not something more sinister lurking in the background.

We head to the doctor shortly and then I will need to call the Mater Hospital in Brisbane and have a chat with them. Sam needs to be in really good health to go into hospital, because the risk of infection is too great otherwise.  These are complications he does not need. 

To have Sam's cardiac catheter postponed once again would be really hard on us and him. That is quite an understatement. I have noticed that he is getting more tired of late and getting puffed more easily when we are out and about, so I know he needs this surgery.  And so far we seem to be fighting a battle just to get him there.

HELP!

Carrying my Chains

There are so many chains that hold us back and bind us up.  Everyone's chains are different at different times of their lives, in an effort to keep them from being truly free and unhindered by what surrounds them.  Here are some of the chains that bind me at times, maybe you have also carried their weight.

Anxiety

FEAR

Rebellion

CONFUSION

Melancholy

The chains are constricting, life sucking.  They hold you back from leaping into life and love.  They make you nervous and unsure of yourself and who you really are.  They are not godly and if you truly want to live life the way God intended; they have to go.  Identifying the chains is easy it's what comes next that is so hard....

When you know Jesus, you simply ask him to break the chains that bind you.  He literally sets us free by breaking the chains that bind us, loosening the hold they have over our lives.  Just getting to that point can be hard, because if you ask for help you are weak right?  Need a crutch to get through life?  I have learned to get over that.  I ask for help easily, because I know that trying to break those chains in my own strength will only get me more tangled and bound.

However...

Even after we are set free from our chains we can still choose to carry them around.  You heard me. What's binding us is broken and we have a choice to be free, but we choose to carry around the chain.  It drags heavy and weighs us down but we hold onto it because in an odd and disconcerting way, it has become comfortable and famliar to us to be fearful, to rebel, to be confused, to be a bit down.  So instead of casting that chain off completely and diving back into life, we hang back with what we know, giving that chain another opportunity to draw tight once again. 

I know.

I've been there.

I'm still doing it,

but that doesn't make it right.

You see Jesus makes a way, but we still have the choice to live in bondage, or in the fullness of life.

So today I have asked God to break the chains once again and I am casting those chains off, because they are holding me back, stopping me from doing things I love. Holding me back from reaching my goals and restricting me from loving those around me like I should.

I don't have time for chains with what we have to face in the next few months.  I am gong to need every bit or strength I have and then some. Goodbye chains, hello freedom.

Waiting Four Years for a Date

It has been four years since Sam had open heart surgery. Sam has a date for his catheter procedure-the 20th February, 2013.  It is taxing being the parents of a heart kid.  We live each day with gusto and get swept up into the normality of life for a while and then are pulled against our will back into the reality of having a child with a broken heart, one that is only half of what it should be. 
Don is getting involved at work, enjoying the job, building new relationships, learning new things.  I am doing mum things, writing, getting my Avon business off the ground and making new friends.  Jack is just beginning Grade 1 next year.  And Sam lives a happy busy little life with me for the moment, before he attends Kindy next year.  There are many minutes in the day when I feel 'normal' and then many when I don't. Like:

• when I have to carry Sam around town because it's hot and a long way to walk and his little heart can't take it.  Only to have someone tell me that I should make him walk and that it's good for little legs to have the exercise.
• when I have to fill out enrolment forms and list his medical history, medications etc.
• when I have to remind myself to let Sam eat anytime to add weight to his slight frame.  And then have people comment on how small he is for his age and ask me what he eats.
• when I have to give him medications at night that are equivalent to rat poison.

I don't want to plan for him to go and have the catheter, but I must. The catheter and surgery will both be at the Mater Hospital in Brisbane.  At this stage I think Sam and I will be travelling down alone for that one.  And then a week or two following he will have the Fontan procedure, open heart surgery, to complete the circulation in his heart.  We are hoping and praying that there is some way that Don and Jack will be able to travel down for that and stay for a few weeks.  At this stage we are pretty sure that the government will only pay for Sam and I to travel, but we will find out more about this later.  There is so much I could worry about such as Don's work, Jack's school, money, rent, bills, my business but I am striving with every ounce of strength that I have to give it all to God and leave it there.
It is like Paul says in the bible, I struggle so much with the flesh part of me wanting to rise up and try and control everything when I know I have no control at all.  God has shown me that the way is clear and that I just need to trust Him, but I must tell you that that is easier said than done. It is a battle to keep your head clear and your heart in the right place. And in between now and then I want to enjoy the trouble free time that we have, celebrating Christmas with family and enjoying a few weeks holiday together over the Christmas break.  Even as I write this my heart quivers within me.  Sam does not remember any of what happened in the first year of his life, but I do.  I remember it with stunning clarity.  But I also remember the strength of my God and all that he has done for us.  And so although I am yet to believe them fully I claim God's promises to us once again.

Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will testify to the nations of his healing

Things never happen the same way twice dear one.  If you were any braver, you would be a lioness.

May God increase my faith and may He give us His strength on this path He has set before us. His promises are true, no matter how I feel.

The Lion's Promise

I woke up feeling defeated today.  Small things are getting to me,things that don't usually bother me-housework, people's attitudes, the heat.  All of it is simply surface stuff, not the root of the problem, but it all compounds how I feel.  I sometimes feel like when I have no control over one part of my life the rest crumbles as well. For the last few weeks I have felt abandoned by the God of miracles, like my prayers are bouncing off a glass ceiling, but I still keep praying anyway and they echo in the space around me; reverberating my head and heart. And so today I went to church and was hurt by what some said there because of my fragile heart.  Is it their fault?  No, they are not to blame for my state of heart. 

So as I wrestled with God this Sunday he showed me what was hiding in my heart, weakening my defenses and causing the light to dim within me. 

While watching Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian, God spoke to me through these words. Lucy is speaking to Aslan in the movie and as she did it was my words she spoke.

Why wouldn't you show yourself? (Me: Why don't you show others your power and your love for us)

 
Why couldn't you come roaring in
and save us like last time?
(Me: You have saved Sam before why do you now stay your hand and make us endure more suffering?) 
Things never happen
the same way twice, dear one.
 
If I'd have come earlier, would everyone
who died... could I have stopped that?
(Me: What could I have done that would have stopped Sam having to have more surgery?)
 
We can never know
what would have happened, Lucy.
 
But what will happen
is another matter entirely.
 
- You mean you'll help?
- Of course.
 
- As will you.
- Oh, I wish I was braver.
 
If you were any braver,
you'd be a lioness.

I have been angry at God, because I know He has the ability, and the power to swoop in and save the day.  I HAVE SEEN HIM DO IT. 

And yet, today He speaks to me in this messy place I find myself, to tell me that 'things do not happen the same way twice', and in saying so He gives me hope.  The light within me though flickering, is growing in intesity.  For in His words there is a promise for the fight ahead of us.  I can tell you now that I don't feel like a lioness, and I wish I was braver.  But I know who fights for us, and I trust him no matter how furious I may be.  God will take my fury and use it for His glory and my good.  Because if I am angry it means I have not given up the fight.

If you are looking for the calm resolution in this post you will not find it.  My angry fighting heart remains, though God is taking it and re-moulding it for His purposes.

Feeling Hung Out To Dry

This week has been hard. I have had the weight of heaviness resting on my shoulders and I have been surrounded by a contrast of sadness and absolute joy.

This week the baby magpie we saved died.

Then Don's Mum and Dad and Grandma came to visit.  We rejoiced in their company and they also brought our old dog Rusty with them.  I bought Rusty as a pup before Don and I were married nearly 12 years ago.  She moved to live with Don's parents when we had to relocate to Melbourne last year.  We were excited to have her stay for a few days while Don's parents popped out to Mt Isa.  While they were away, she escaped from our yard and I spent a whole afternoon searching the town for her.  Finally late in the afternoon we received word that someone had seen her and we drove out and found her about a kilometer from home on the road out of town.  She was dead, having been struck by a car.  We brought her home and buried her next to Mango the magpie, where the petunias are beginning to spread their colourful carpet.

I have been excited about new adventures with new friends and starting Avon.  We were even able to share some of our story with Sam at church on Sunday, which was great.

Then I received news that two little ones whom we had been praying for passed away this week, both due to Congenital Heart Disease. Two more little lives and the dreams are lost to this horrible disease. 

So I feel like I am stuck in the wash cycle of a washing machine.  You know how it is.  Your head whirls, your heart aches and you get that ache in your throat that threatens to spill into tears.  And then you suck it up and keep going, because lunches still need to be made and clothes need to be washed and you want to enjoy the precious moments that you have with family you don't see very often. 

HOWEVER...

I have learned not to be pushed around by the way that I feel.  Love and life are not a feelings but acts of our will.  And so I choose to feel the pain, then give it back to God.  Because the pain means I am human and that I love deeply. I love that God made me with a heart that lets others in no matter how much it hurts.  But I will not carry it for my shoulders are not nearly broad enough to carry the load that God requires of me.  Jesus takes what I cannot and he smiles at me, and walks with me.  So as I come out of the wash cycle, I look forward to hanging on the line for a while and letting the gentle breeze blow over me. Once again I will be refreshed. For now, I will just hang out on the line enjoying the rest.

Four Years of Victory

We are celebrating today. Sam is seriously so excited  that I don't think I have seen him sit still yet.  As I watch him run and sing and dance and play, I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart.  Thankful for all God has done for Sam and for us as a family.  Jack and Sam are very good mates and I love watching them grow and learn together, through the fun and not so fun. Jack protects Sam and includes him in all of his games, no matter who else is near.  Sam looks up to Jack and strives to be just like him. 

I remember vividly when we were asked to take Sam's life, when everything was out of my control and the world seemed so big. The time when Sam was nestled softly in the safety of my womb. It was then God reminded me that He was bigger and Sam was His, though he was trusted to us.

 

And then this day four years ago I laid my eyes upon our son and a new note of love was played in the world for the first time. Sam David Watson, came into the world, and forever changed mine.

 

 

 

 

And now I look at him and I marvel at his exuberance for life, his belief in the goodness of others and his love that reaches out to all around.  I am in awe of God and his love for us. 

 

 

This past week we received a letter with the enclosed passage taken from "Australian Stories of Life". An expression of God's promise to Sam.

 

"Knock, knock."

 

"Who's there?"

 

"Goliath."

 

"Goliath? Who cares! My God is bigger than you!  You may be massive.  Your strength might overwhelm me if I were alone. BUT you have no dominion over me.  I am God's.  This will be messy.  Blood will be spilt.  But when God and I are finished, I will hold your head high as a symbol of your failure to ruin my life.  I will show you off to others and they will celebrate with me.  You will not prevail! God will not allow it!" 

 

And so as we head into the next year, our faith is renewed and we are reminded of the triumph that is to come.  This year may be one of surgery and hospitals but our eyes and hearts are not fixed there. Life is to be lived with passion, void of fear and doubt. 

 

Happy birthday little Sam.  We love you. xx

Fragility and Fierce Determination

I am continually reminded about the fragility of our lives here on earth.

This past week I have learned of two families who have lost loved ones, one a little baby, another a Dad.  At different stages in life, but each so precious.  This happens on a weekly basis.  I watch as families hearts break and re-break as they realise their separation from those to whom they will forever love.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to search and to pray for those who need encouragement, prayer and love.  Because it hurts to watch others suffer, it hurts to comfort others when there are no words that can possibly be their balm.  That doesn't mean that we shouldn't offer our words.  For I have learned in our own hardship that silence is sometimes the worst sound in the world.

I go through feelings of empathy, and frustration as I reach out.  I experience guilt, for my own son lives, when others have had to let theirs go...for a season. 

However I know why I persist..

Each of these things drives me to  pray, to call out to God to make a difference in the lives of those who are in anguish. To make something beautiful out of something horrific, to draw fragrance from a flower that is crushed and bruised.

And I see miracles...I see medical breakthroughs, illnesses healed, people transformed, not by my hand but by the hand of God.  And that desire to see breakthrough drives me onward, even though it hurt,s to make sure that hope remains alight. To search for that flicker of light in situations that seem so dark.

I may be a Mum at home, but I can reach all manner of people through blogging, emailing, Facebook and other communications.  I can reach out to the Mums at school, and the people I meet at the shops and just sit and listen to them, smile and offer an encouraging word.

It has been four years now and my life has been changed forever.  I can no longer look at the world the same way after what we live with Sam.  There is more to this life than what we can see.  It is real and tangible and is tightly entwined with our feelings, thoughts and actions.  We are more than flesh and blood.  And I have to believe that as I reach out to others in love, changes are made not only in the countenance of a person but also in their eternal spirit. 

As we head to Sam's next heart appointment on Tuesday, I wonder about this next part of our journey.  This past four years has been a steep learning curve and I wonder what God holds in store for us next. I wonder if you will claim his promise with us this week:

Sam will live and have life in abundance.  He will testify to the nations of his healing.

For I am a fiercely determined woman, who has a fiercely determined son, and we serve a fiercely determined God.

A Warrior Never Rests

Our battle with Sam and his heart are more than a book to us.  The life that we have been called to is not chosen by me, and is not easy. Most people read the book "Sam's Heart" and are left with a sense of prevailing hope and faith, and I am glad because that is it's message.  However I also want people to understand that our battle is not over and until the trumpet sounds in victory, we can never rest and let our guard down.

It is true that I can rest in the promises of God yes, but resting in God does not mean throwing your shield and sword aside and laying idle in waiting.  You see we battle daily both in body and spirit against all manner of resistance and struggle.

In his body Sam has always struggled to gain weight.  It has been almost a year now since he has gained any weight.  Because of God's mercy and grace Sam has been  healthy and free from illness for most part of the last 18 months.  And for this we are thankful beyond measure.  He runs small distances but I sometimes notice increased breathlessness when he speaks and eats.  At his last review we were told that the valve in his heart is leaking more than the doctors would like.  Still he runs, climbs ,and strives to keep up with his brother.

Spiritually Sam speaks often of Jesus and the angels.  He tells me of the times when God speaks to him at night. Worship music is Sam's delight.  He has also had many encounters recently with 'dark ones' that come to him.  He has recently had to deal with that interference as well, and God is teaching him to be brave and courageous.  It is no mistake this is happening now so close to his review with the doctors.  Laugh if you wish, call us crazy, but this is the reality of life for our family. 

This battle is not over for us.  We cannot breathe a sigh and then go back to our normal lives.  This is our normal life.  Just like the hundreds of other families walking the same path we move forward each day with hope in our hearts, for we dare not embrace anything else.  There is a difference for us though we have peace in the midst of it, knowing that despite the challenges, the victory is won! 

Sam came running to me this afternoon wearing his little green gumboots, grasping a handful of sunny yellow dandelions, 'Mum, Mum, I love you!'

Picture source: http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=yellow+dandelions+picture&view=detail&id=BC36AA4DF6C29B7A6E437853E9B4E94D60637F31&first=0

God, if today was only made for me to hear those words, I thank you.  I thank you for Sam's life that you have breathed your love upon Him and made him dance this side of Heaven.  And we will shout it out loud for all to hear.  How merciful you are!

Time For A Rant

Today I read an article which chilled me to the core.  The article discusses the possibility of post term abortion, yes killing a baby after it is born.  This is actually being considered/discussed/has crossed the mind of, those who inform and influence our politicians and country's leaders.  Read the article here.

This is insanity itself!  Here we are living at a time and in a nation that strives to have a family through IVF and similar programs.  A country which has a dilapidated and immensely difficult adoption system.  A country which has legalised the killing of children in the womb, and now it is being debated that we should be able to take the life of a new born babe. 

If you have baby pictures, go and find one of them.  Look closely at your young self and ask your self this question, 'Who looked after me?  Who nourished me?  Who kept me warm?  Who loved me?' 

You see we were all babies once.  I love the quote from Ronald Reagan that states, 'I've noticed that everybody that is for abortion has already been born.'

The discussions in this article are evil in themsleves.  History repeats itself over and over.  All throughout time babies have bore the brunt of our our selfish wants and desires.  In this age, when we consider ourselves so enlighted and knowledgeable, it seems apparent to me that men of power have lost their hearts. The seeds of pride arrogance and self estimation are now in bloom, threatening to choke all morality out of the society in which we now live.  I am beyond tired of hearing truths twisted and broken for the sake of selfish motives. 

And here in Australia, the land of the brave and free, we have become mere shadows of our once strong and courageous settlers, men and women, who struggled and toiled to make this land great under God.  In settler days nearly every family lost loved ones, especially babies to sickness and disease.  How ashamed they would be of us, taking the lives of our own little ones.  Who will now speak for our children, who are being slain and then thrown away as 'medical waste'?

How long suffering is our God that he has mercy, when we should be struck down for our complacency.  How His heart must break as His treasured  babies, discarded for the sake of our own needs.  How many arms ache in our communities for the love of a child?  How many wombs lay barren, when parents hearts ache for the want of seeing a little one smile?

Please don't let an article pass your sight, a conversation pass you ears, a situation pass your hands without praying and then responding.  Your little prayer will move mountains and your little gesture, will change a life, maybe one that is yet to be, or maybe...

someone that you love.

God Loves Me Anyway

I love that I am human.  I love that I feel and love and hurt.  I love that God made me in his image and loves me regardless of my continual blunders.  I love that He is still making me perfect and that I am nowhere near it yet.  Because in all of my brokenness, I can see His hand at work, Holy Spirit making changes to help me, even when it hurts. 

Boy, has my faith been tested recently.  Especially in regard to our calling to MAF.  (See more about that here and then here.)

Sometime you are just in that place where your mind has had enough, your body quakes and your heart melts likes molten wax.  I guess that is how I have felt like that for the last 4 days. Inwardly and quietly I have been crying out to God.  I have dared to think questions such as:

Are we in the right place?

Is this a fight, or is this God closing doors and us breaking them down, in misdirected fervour?

Can we just run away? Oh let me run away! 

Why are you so quiet? I can barely hear your voice above all that clamours for our attention.

Psalm 77 has been my prayer now for the last week.

and within me Holy Spirit whispers...

You know the answers, you don't even need to voice these questions.

Rest in the lap of your Father and let Him work it all out. 

If you could just see the battle being waged on your behalf you would be overwhelmed and in awe of His love for you.

Keep holding on...

Keep holding on...

Keep holding on...


Well God is silent no longer!

And now His words blow like a mighty wind, flaming the smouldering embers deep within my heart. God is fanning the flame, fighting the fight, clearing my mind, healing my heart and bringing new strength to my bones.

How un-real life was without Him.  I can barely remember what I was like before I knew the love of God.

Yes, we are in the right place, and we are fighting a great battle because God has great things planned.  I want you to know that your prayers and mine have been heard and that God is moving to turn the tide.  His promises will be fulfilled.  God always keeps His word.

The Rip Tide

The last month it seems we have been caught in a tide that has dragged us out to sea.  We seem to be floundering in the water, our arms weary from the constant treading. 

Don has failed his flight exam for his commercial pilot's license for the second time today.  I just want to cry really.  For him, for myself, for our weariness and lack of hope.  There seems to have settled upon me a sense of despondency, enlarged by the fact that we are far from home and and the comfort of familiar family and friends.  I am tired of the fight, and Don must be far beyond that.  I have watched him labour and toil for the last 7 months with little rest, all the while looking for the silver lining.  He is exerting his best and yet, it is thrown back in his face continually that it is not good enough.  And yet he remains, plodding along, while I struggle at home to wrestle with God and his appointment to this calling, when there seems to be very little breakthrough.  Does God see how we struggle?  Yes, He most certainly does and be bears it with us.  Does He see that I can't make our finances stretch any further?  Yes, He certainly does and He supplies.  Does He still want us here?  Yes, He certainly does and reminds us again and again.

I struggle to write the new book about God's promises, because we battle to live in their truth each day, and are weary for a break from the constant onslaught.  Who am I, I wonder to pretend to tell others to live in God's promises if I am of so little faith?  Oh God, where is my faith! It is like it has been robbed from me while I have slept.  And yet, still I stand.  I stand because He gives me strength, I can own no portion of it.  Please pray for us and help us fight in the spirit.  Our enemy looms large but we know who is victorious. 

Don is on his way home after his defeat today.  May God give us both the strength to keep going. 

So again, I raise my head and look to the battle front, raise my shield, and thrust my sword high. 'CHARGE'

Struggling

I wonder if I can just share my heart with you today.

I have noticed a significant change in Sam's energy levels in the last few days.  He is not sick.  He just has very little energy.  He slept for 2 1/2 hours today while Jack was at school, when he normally doesn't have a nap at all.  When I went to wake him up (yes I had to wake him, or he would have kept sleeping), he told me that he was still tired.  I have noticed he is more breathless than normal and he has dark circles under his eyes.  Just in the last two days his eating has also decreased noticeably, he has gone back to preferring to just drink and eat now and then.  He is hurting himself and is more clumsy because of his seeming lack of energy.  When he plays he often lays down and plays lego or lolls around on the floor. 

How are you feeling buddy?

Just tired, so tired.'

Do you want something to eat?

No, but yes, not really. My head feels tired.

How does your heart feel?

Puffed.

I know the doctors told me that the tricuspid valve in his heart is leaking more than normal.  Now I am concerned that it may have got worse and that he may need surgery more quickly.  I have been watching and praying for the last 24 hours, but I need your help. 

I am sad.  I want to cry because when you're three, you are meant to have boundless energy.  Instead I have to drag, push, or carry Sam to make the distance across the road. I know he is to go to Kinder soon, and I am worried about sending him.

Sam has such grace in his limited mobility.  When he labours, he just asks for help. 

'I puffed, can you carry me?'

Then I pick him and and I am reminded that he is still not putting on weight.  That his slight little frame is no burden to me.  For a split second I am thankful and then I reprimand myself for even thinking it.

And so I am watching, praying, hoping and waiting. 

Watching him slow, and struggle.

Praying for a miracle.

Hoping that God will answer my prayers.

Waiting to see the miracle he needs.


Oh God,

You are mighty to save.  I know you are with me every second of the day, I feel your presence like the comfort of a warm fire. And yet my heart is breaking, because my son's heart is broken.  You have given me a promise for him and I cling to it Lord.  I cling to You and your Word because I know it is true.  Heal him Lord, restore the valves, the chambers, the arteries and vessels Lord.  Create in Sam a new heart, one that comes from your hand. Only you can see inside of his chest Father.  I can do nothing, and you can do all things.  Let him wake in the morning and be full of renewed energy.  Let him be whole and healthy and let him run like never before.

And yet I say not my will...but yours be done, because I love you more than any other. 

You have held us and never let us down.  May your name be celebrated even now, in this place of uncertainty. 

All my love
Nicole

You Shall Not Pass

Did you know that nothing in this world happens to you without God knowing about it.  One of the big walls that people throw up when you talk with them about God is,

If there is a God, why would he let bad things happen to good people?'

The answer is, 'He loves you.'

God will not permit you to wander aimlessly lost on a path to destruction, instead he will allow things to happen in your life that will bring you to realise that you need Him, that He loves you and He holds the big plan for your life.

You just need to read the book of Job in the Bible to understand how God operates in this area.  If you don't read the bible and a whole book seems too much, read the first two and last two chapters.  It will give you the general idea.

Whether or not you know God there is someone who is after you, to make sure that you don't know God.  Satan knows God, he used to be one of his angels.  He hates all of human kind because God loves us so much.  So in an effort to avenge his fallen state, he is out to stea,l kill and destroy God's creation - you and me.

The good news is that God does not leave us undefended.  Jesus died and lives again so that we may walk in good standing with God.  This means we choose to have a new life, for now and forever. 

Jesus fights for us, He is our defender and is all powerful.  He stands in the gap for us covering our sin and protecting us from the enemy.

The scene below is from the movie 'Lord of the Rings-The Fellowship of the Ring'.  Every time I see this scene, God speaks to me about Jesus, and it makes the little hairs on the back of my neck prickle (in a good way).

Photo source: http://www.framecaplib.com/lotrlib/html/episodes/images/fotr/fotr1215.htm
In the movie:

The entire group is running from the enemy.  Gandalf stops and turns to face the enemy, sacrificing his life for the sake of his friends and the mission. Gandalf stands in the gap spanning the abyss, defending those on the other side who are running from the enemy.  The enemy is huge, towering and menacing ready to destroy them in a single blow.  Gandalf raises his staff and sword and booms "YOU SHALL NOT PASS".  The enemy comes charging and the bridge breaks, plunging the enemy into the abyss below.

Jesus stands in the gap for us.  He turns fearless to face the enemy.  The enemy yearns to destroy us.
Jesus declares in power by the sword of his mouth :YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  And the enemy runs, his tail drawn between his legs.  There are none that can overcome the power of Jesus.

Oh yeah, I know who fights for me.  When I lay my head to rest at night I know who holds us past, present and future. 

Although circumstances are allowed to try us at times we know that God does not allow us to be crushed by them. He walks with us and all things work together for our own good and His glory.

That Pesky Thorn

When you write a book, there is a whole lot more to it, than seeing it published.  You see unless you speak about your book and share your story with others, no one else will ever know about it.  I must say I actually enjoy this part of being a writer.  I know many do not, but I love telling others our story, asking them theirs, and praying for them.  I get to do really cool things like appear in magazines and even on TV, for the sake of spreading the word.  Sometimes when I sit at home in my leggings and t-shirt watching Playschool with my kids, I have a nagging voice that challenges me:

Look at you now, imagine if those people that read your book could see you now.  You are nothing special. 

and do you know what, the enemy is right to a point.

I am nobody, but I am more than he can contend with because I know Jesus.  Jesus uses those who 'don't look like much', to do things for Him because He knows they are not in it for the glory.  I would rather be reminded by the enemy that I am nothing each day, than puff up with pride and fall prey to his schemes.  Maybe God even allows his pestering to keep me humble, kind of like Paul's thorn in the side.

I have learned to use what the enemy would use to tear me down, to challenge me to act instead.  When I don't feel like doing any more promotion, or contacting media, or even writing, THEN I KNOW I MUST DO IT.

And when I do, I know I have overcome his annoying overtones.  What the enemy intends to destroy, God uses for my good and His glory.

So today I have set up an author page on Facebook, so that I can share all about writing, speaking, and the like, while giving my personal Facebook friends a rest.  Come and 'like' it and share it with your friends. Click the link below:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Nicole-Watson-Author/181785301923586

This month our story about Sam also appears in the Signs of the Times magazine.

Our lives must shout about God, and whisper about ouselves.

Jumping Hoops

Saul, seethed, anger seemed to exude from every part of his body.  The followers of Jesus seemed to be growing by the day, despite him hunting them down like dogs.  He had been dragging them before the Sanhedrin and there were few stones left unturned in Jerusalem.  Why were they so intent on following some dead prophet! 
He had now gained permission from the Sanhedrin to travel to outlying towns, to further squash the rebellion and bring the followers of Jesus to account. 
Travelling the road to Damascus, the thoughts continued to irritate his soul.  He had thought once Jesus was dead, his followers would just disperse as they always had. Instead they seemed to surge like a growing flood. 

'Well not for much longer if I have my way'.

Little did he know, his world was about to be shaken to it's core.

...so begins the story of one of God's most memorable and recorded followers, the man called Paul.

I often wonder what the early followers of Jesus would think of the church if they were able to talk to us now.  The church has become too much like the world around us.  Instead of being set apart and different to what the world around us would have us be, be have gradually and sadly become a mere shadow of what we are destined to become.

The Kingdom of God, is one of faith and power, both of which have been stripped  from the church with such seduction, that we have relished in the experience.  We are too comfortable in our safe and unchallenged version of the gospel and have put on new robes to fit better into the age in which we now find ourselves. 

Since we have begun our journey to serve God in missions, I have been constantly challenged by the many hoops that we have had to jump through in order to prove ourselves worthy of service.  It has taken vast amounts of money, numerous interviews, applications, pshcye tests, medicals upon medicals, training and testing, all to bring us to a point of asking 'What does Jesus think?'  I doubt that Paul would ever have made it through the psyche evaluation, to serve in missions today.    It saddens me to think that someone who is called by God to serve in this way, might be turned away because they do not have the funds, medical approval or worldly aptitude to be up to the task. God does not look to the outer man, but looks deep down into your heart.  He sees your faithfulness and your obedience and He is uses this for His glory. He is not as interested in what percentage you got on your latest exam and if your left eye is marginally stronger than your right, whether you are a fisherman or a tax collector.   I cannot believe that he is happy with the way the world has overcome the church, and emasculated it of it's freedom in Christ, and power through faith. It is God who transforms and prepares, not man made and man led organisations.

I wonder if the church in Australia and around the world was not so bound by it's love of the world and it's ways, would we see the Kingdom of God come on the earth?  Would we see the captives set free because they see a different way to live, the only way to live? 

I don't know where our journey with missions will end up, but I do know that God has called us to serve; this is unmistakable.  The desire burns in my spirit like hot coals aflame with fire.  Don and I both feel the urgency.  God's desire to see His church do His will, will prevail.  God always keeps His word, He is not a man that He should lie.  The scripture below has been resonating in my heart today, as my frustrations grew.  The words were like honey to my soul.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.(1 Corintians:27)

Please pray for us, that God would make the paths straight and that His will for us to serve him in this way will prevail.  We feel the resistance, but step forward each day in faith knowing who fights for us.

This post is not a reflection of any particular missions organisation but a general observation made over many years.  It is not written to offend, but as a reflection.

Lost and Found

The last few weeks have been challenging for us.  I have gone very quiet on the blog and also on Facebook and the like.  Generally this means we are doing some soul searching. In the last weeks we have had much doubt flung in our faces in regard to our application to MAF, Sam's heart, my writing, and Don's study.  We must continue to apply to serve with MAF, knowing that Sam may need to endure more surgery in the next 12 months.   No stone has been left unturned.  It has been turbulent and one of those times where there is no better place than flat on your face in front of God's throne.  So if I have been absent of late, this is where I have been.  These times are a battle plain and true.  We emerge from them feeling worn, fatigued and battered by the enemies lies.  And yet when we lift our eyes to the hills we can see we have stood our ground and that the liars have been forced back.  The only place to win the battle of the spirit is in the spirit. 

You might think I have lost the plot, but in fact this is very real for us.  The warfare of which I speak is not some strange and wacky thing at which to lift your brow.  People struggle to understand because they look with their human eyes and not their spiritual ones. And once again we have had to lay everything at God's feet.  Even our application to MAF is held loosely, in the event God redirects our path.  We know his call is true without doubt, what he decides to do with us after our obedience is his decision. 

And yet in the midst of the turbulence there is great renewal and new found hope.  From the plundered battlefield we glean treasures of unearthly value.  We have received a new revelation of God's word, new promises for a new season.   I now value Sam's relationship with God more than the healing of his heart.  I now can go to my God with unmasked love, knowing full well that he holds our future in his hands.  Yesterday As Don pushed Sam higher and higher on the swing, he called,

'It's Desus, I see Desus!  He's so big!'



'Wow, what's he doing?'

'He's opening the window. He's opening the window so we can see.  Look! Can you see?'

Sam opens his arms wide. He continues to beam at the sky, talking to Jesus. 

I don't have to worry about my sons because Jesus has it covered.  I choose not to worry about the next twelve months, because God's promises are unmovable.

I want to encourage you today.  If you are in a situation that seems you are in a fog, and you cannot see the forest through the trees, it may not be that you are lost and without direction.  Perhaps you are just where you need to be, flat on your face in front of God's throne.  Where you feel lost, is the place you are found. Trusting God when you cannot see the end of the road is the very essence of faith.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1)
 

Lemon and Lime, Hold the Bitters

The last few weeks have been monumental.  Don has been continually studying/cramming for the last 7 weeks.  He passed two exams only to fail the third.  The boys and I have been to Qld, where I attended the Word Writers Conference in Brisbane and then had a few days holiday with family.  Since we have arrived home we have been very busy, and the boys and I have had a head/cold/fever.To top it off Centrelink called yesterday to inform us that they were decreasing our payments as they had made a mistake with their calculations. Oh dear.  I am sure that you have days like this, sometimes weeks even, where everything just seems to go pear-shaped.

The world suddenly becomes much to big for it's boots and you feel like you are about to be buried under a pile of rubble. 

Do not despair, God is there.

He has not gone somewhere just because things are not going swimmingly in your life, in fact if anything he is closer than the air your breathe.

Do not allow bitterness to settle in your heart, but let yourself be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom 12:2)

Do not compare yourself and your situation to others around you.  Each of us is on our own unique journey, and though we may encourage and uplift one another, comparing will do you no favours.  People will always be better off than you, people will always be worse off than you.  Your problems are as significant as the next persons and your troubles will not overcome you, if you give them over to God in prayer.

God can take what is broken in your life and turn it around for your good.

Harbouring self pity and bitterness in your heart bind God's ability to help you.  He will not force you to choose him.  He has always given us free will. 

I am not rebuking you today, I am reminding myself and sharing with you in the process.  I will not pretend to be more than I am.  I would be nothing but for the mercy of God.

We know many families going through life changing circumstances and unimaginable heartaches, we know people that are struggling to pay bills, have ongoing depression, some who are watching their kids struggle daily with their health, and some who have lost them this side of heaven.  But I will not take on their burdens or they will crush me.  Only Jesus was designed to carry the weight of the burden of sin.  He did it all on the cross for us so that we would not have to crushed under the weight.  I warn you, as I warn myself, do not harbour disappointment, anger, resentment and offence in your heart.

I will cry with them, I will laugh with them in victory, I will carry them to God in prayer.

'Father God refresh my mind and heal the wound left by bitterness in my heart.  Forgive me.  I love you.  I wait for your joy in the morning.'

Faith, Flying and TV

Yesterday I was offered the opportunity to fly to the Sydney Foxtel Studios, and pre-record an interview for 'Wesley Impact!'  I was so excited, to be asked to do such thing.  As you would know by reading my previous post, it was also an answer to a dream that the God had given me.

For those who have been following, you would know that we had Sam's appointment the day before, and once again God brought me to a place where I was empty of myself.  Any control that I believed I had over Sam's future, or ours, was once again erased.  All I had left after that day, was my hope.  And this is my hope:

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.(Heb 6:18-19, emphasis added)

Hope is not some intangible thing, something that we can possess. Hope has a name, His name is Jesus. 

So yesterday morning I arose to find that the previous day's nausea, had now emerged into a nasty gastro bug.  What would you have done I wonder, knowing that you have to travel in a car, aeroplane and taxi, to a place far from home, and the safety of your own lavatory? I made a choice to believe God's word, over the circumstances I found myself in.  So armed with his promise and a box of Gastro Stop, I drove the hour to the airport and boarded the plane to Sydney.  By God's amazing grace, I made it to the studios with my dignity.  He is so merciful!

The staff at the studios was amazing.  They were so understanding and prayed with me, and brought me to a room to relax.  It was here that I met a man who was sent by God.  He was also being interviewed that day and was a chaplain and worker with the homeless.  He proceeded to tell me that a homeless couple that he is working with are due to have their first baby and would be born with HLHS, the same condition as Sam's.  Oh, there is no coincidence, only God incidence! I was able to give him a copy of our story and encourage him in the amazing things that God can do.

I was given a good dose of make-up by a lovely make-up artist, who has worked on many different TV shows throughout the years, including Better Homes and Gardens, and Water Rats.  This helped to mask my somewhat less than glowing complexion on the day.

And finally the victory came, and I got to share with  Rev. Keith Garner, and soon whoever else may watch, the faithfulness of our God in every season.

I also had the privilege to share with both of my taxi drivers, and they also told me some of their stories.  I got to pray for one of them, and he was most encouraged when we parted.  He did not know God, but I could hear God calling Him. 

Late in the afternoon I flew home again, and though I was very weak in body, my spirit was at peace.  I had not been able to eat throughout the day, but God had sustained me and filled me with all that I needed to succeed in what He had called me to do.

That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Cor 12:10)

Because I know He filled me and sustained me yesterday, I know that the hearts this program touches will not be because of anything I am.  But instead they will see all that He is, and for that I am thankful.

Thank you for your prayers over the recent days.  I am still recovering from this illness, but it will not remain long.  I bless you all in the name of Jesus.  I can do all things because He is my anchor.

This program will go to air on Mother's Day 2012.  You can read more about Wesley Impact here.