Struggling

I wonder if I can just share my heart with you today.

I have noticed a significant change in Sam's energy levels in the last few days.  He is not sick.  He just has very little energy.  He slept for 2 1/2 hours today while Jack was at school, when he normally doesn't have a nap at all.  When I went to wake him up (yes I had to wake him, or he would have kept sleeping), he told me that he was still tired.  I have noticed he is more breathless than normal and he has dark circles under his eyes.  Just in the last two days his eating has also decreased noticeably, he has gone back to preferring to just drink and eat now and then.  He is hurting himself and is more clumsy because of his seeming lack of energy.  When he plays he often lays down and plays lego or lolls around on the floor. 

How are you feeling buddy?

Just tired, so tired.'

Do you want something to eat?

No, but yes, not really. My head feels tired.

How does your heart feel?

Puffed.

I know the doctors told me that the tricuspid valve in his heart is leaking more than normal.  Now I am concerned that it may have got worse and that he may need surgery more quickly.  I have been watching and praying for the last 24 hours, but I need your help. 

I am sad.  I want to cry because when you're three, you are meant to have boundless energy.  Instead I have to drag, push, or carry Sam to make the distance across the road. I know he is to go to Kinder soon, and I am worried about sending him.

Sam has such grace in his limited mobility.  When he labours, he just asks for help. 

'I puffed, can you carry me?'

Then I pick him and and I am reminded that he is still not putting on weight.  That his slight little frame is no burden to me.  For a split second I am thankful and then I reprimand myself for even thinking it.

And so I am watching, praying, hoping and waiting. 

Watching him slow, and struggle.

Praying for a miracle.

Hoping that God will answer my prayers.

Waiting to see the miracle he needs.


Oh God,

You are mighty to save.  I know you are with me every second of the day, I feel your presence like the comfort of a warm fire. And yet my heart is breaking, because my son's heart is broken.  You have given me a promise for him and I cling to it Lord.  I cling to You and your Word because I know it is true.  Heal him Lord, restore the valves, the chambers, the arteries and vessels Lord.  Create in Sam a new heart, one that comes from your hand. Only you can see inside of his chest Father.  I can do nothing, and you can do all things.  Let him wake in the morning and be full of renewed energy.  Let him be whole and healthy and let him run like never before.

And yet I say not my will...but yours be done, because I love you more than any other. 

You have held us and never let us down.  May your name be celebrated even now, in this place of uncertainty. 

All my love
Nicole